Why You Can't Beat Me, S65 edition (a You Suck (And So Do I) Joint)
Posted: Tue Aug 22, 2023 11:29 pm
I’m starting to believe the hype. I’m unstoppable. None y’all can Frye with me. Some have tried - I still have the best record in the league, and I will continue to have the best record in the league, and I whole heartedly believe there is nothing you can do to stop me.
I wish you would try. Honestly, why are you selling? You scared, homie? Huh? Lost your balls, bro? Cuz I’ll help you find them and kick you squarely in them with Hub’s 81 QKN and 91 STR. Trust me, it’s going to hurt (he does it to me every time I stifle his sexual advances).
But since I’m not really kicking you in the balls (nor spurning a 6’11” 280lb man’s sexual advances), I’m just going to scroll through the index and figure out ways that my team will beat yours. It’s actually kind of cool, because any way I can find to beat you, I’m telling you now, well before the playoffs. I could have told you before the trade deadline, sure, but that would just be stupid, and this is a You Suck Only version of the seasonal You Suck (And So Do I) Series.
We’ll start with a group of teams that have the least chance of beating me this season (non playoff teams), then teams with the next least chance of beating me (fringe playoff teams), and finish with teams that have the best least chance of beating me (semi-final projected level teams and better).
So that’s why we have to start with the Dallas Mavericks.
TEAMS WITH THE LEAST CHANCE OF BEATING ME
DALLAS MAVERICKS
Look, this joker told me he’s got the #1 pick wrapped up again this year, but really, it’s the Utah Jazz. The lottery can definitely shake things up, but the simputer can recognize the super tiny amount of activity the Utah Jazz have accomplished this season, so I think the simputer will reward them. The Mavericks are delusional to think they’ll get three #1 picks in a row.
I mean, when have three things in a row ever happened in PBSL, am I right? Maybe once? My guy, I love you LazyTitan, but you crazy AF.
The Mavs have a bright future, but Scoot cannot yet hold a candle to Morelock or Hub. I put either of those two on Scoot and their best player will become completely neutralized. Kyle Kuric will dribble the ball off his foot right into Markus Ridenhour’s hands every possession, and Jonathan Kuminga is still too damn slow and underdeveloped.
So, Mavericks, that is why you can’t beat me.
NEXT
…it’s because I will beat you so severely
NEXT
UTAH JAZZ
I love seeing digiskunk back. I can’t actually remember how recently we heard from him, because it has already been a while since then, but digiskunk accomplished a decent amount of things while tuned in to the league. He kept his team horrible, shipped out anything immediately good, set James Orozco up to be their primary scorer, and called it a season. Not bad.
Still, Zed Key crumbles against any of my big guys, Orozco is actually trash, and Daishen Nix has only played 28 games? Did I miss something? Anyway, they are your best players, none of them are any good, and that, sir, is why you can’t beat me.
NEXT
CHARLOTTE BOBCATS
I tried trolling you earlier this season when I dedicated my unnecessary and very extra player training to you, Dr. K., but you didn’t bite. Why didn’t you bite? I even shouted out your all time great meme, Happy Trails. Alas…
You must hate me. You’ll hate me even more after reading this.
…I’m just kidding. Dr. K and his Bobcats have much to look forward to after this season. Chauncey Banks and Edward Bonilla are already proving their worth in Charlotte. Neither looks like a world-beater, but they’re probably overlooked talent and decent athleticism. Funkhouser is clearly the future, and likely a top-3 PG in PBSL one day. Eddie Cruce? Man, I wish for the Bobcats sake they had signed him to more than 2 years. He would be a nice 4th developing piece. Instead they have Frank Chavez, who is not bad at all, but he lacks the unique, floor-spreadiing two-way play that Cruce brings to the team. I hope Charlotte finds a way to retain him, or trade him before his contract is up for a nice return.
That said, there’s no way in hell you can beat me.
NEXT
ALERT ALERT ALERT!!!
ORLANDO MAGIC
These guys just beat me. I’m honestly not sure how it happened. It is pretty upsetting, but I’m sure my still single-digit loss column and I will get over it soon enough. Maybe they’re sneaky good? Well, whatever. They have plenty of developing talent, but a bit of prime, less-than-great talent in Clarence Martin as their PG, and nearly prime Jeff Van Gundy who sucks on principle.
High five to anyone else happy to see that guy get shit canned by ESPN. *clap*
Moving on, Okay Djamgouz’s name is better than the player he’ll ever be. Walker Kessler is a decent prospect at 23 yrs old. JR Smith Jr. will get bucks someday (not today), and Ousmane Dieng is an afterthought.
So, again, how did they beat me, you ask? I guess we’ll never know, because there’s no way in hell you or I will see them in the playoffs. Ergo, you cannot actually beat me (even though you did).
NEXT
DENVER NUGGETS
I never thought it would be possible, but I actually get a warm fuzzy feeling everytime I see the words DENVER NUGGETS in sim league. This can only be attributed to their beloved GM, Panda, who has made everyone feel better about themselves. About life. About things known and unknown, including but not limited to repressed sexual desires. I don’t know how he does it!
I do know that he cannot beat me no matter how hard he tries.
Johnny Davis might be my favorite player in PBSL. Eight yr vet, 7x all star, 22+ PER six seasons running, 5x All-league player, future MVP and Hall of Famer, this guy Fryes. Sadly, his support system is about 3-4yrs behind him in their development! JD is ready to win now, and Amen Thompson is just now playable. Amen’s a stud, don’t get it twisted, but most GMs would have redshirted this guy until this season. The other prospects? Cross and Ford and even Andrew Patrick for that matter? None of these dudes Frye. Like, probably cannot even get a handle on Fryeing themselves. It’s really sad.
So two good guys alone, one still hella underdeveloped, yeah… y’all never beating me.
NEXT
MEMPHIS GRIZZLIES
Leave it to K-100 to be deep in the tax and still have talent like Vaughn Millsap, Angelo Romero and Matisse Thybulle on his team. Like, that’s a decent big 3 for any contending team. What the hell, K-100? How? Why?
Unfortunately for them, they have no one capable of running their offense, so they are a disaster of a team. You have to be able to score to beat my team, and you cannot score, and that’s why you cannot beat me.
NEXT
ALERT ALERT ALERT
SAN ANTONIO SPURS
These fools beat me. By 4 points. They just took me into overtime too. It’s less surprising to me that they can do this opposed to Orlando. Pee Wee Kirkland was healthy and Brandon Ingram did BI things. Pee Wee carried them to the finish in the loss, and BI dropped a 50 piece in the overtime game (but so did Markus Ridenhour - HA!). We have all been watching Carlos’s next gen Spurs brewing into a monster, and they’re really, really close. They will contend next year and drive GMs mad.
But this year they suck, and they shouldn’t have beaten me. Their C, PF and SF have a ways to develop yet, and those are the areas the Warriors excel. No brainer, really. We smoke these dudes 9/10 times, and Markus will hold his own against Hoyt or Pee Wee when he’s healthy again. We will prove that, even though they beat me, they seriously cannot beat me.
NEXT
ANOTHER ALERT
PORTLAND TRAILBLAZERS
Alright, another team beat me. Beat me pretty good, actually, by over 20 points. I don’t believe anyone else handled me like that this season. Hats off to Grovestreet and AJ Blaze and Garland and Larry Williams. Unfortunately Grovestreet broke up the band sending Larry to Milwaukee, and thus they are incapable of beating me anymore. Like, no chance in hell. You got not chance.
NEXT
STUPID Fryeing ALERT
SACRAMENTO KINGS
I am so annoyed. I just beat these guys by like, 50 pts! And yet, they still beat me earlier this year by a point. Brian Loos with a buzzer beater. Fabian Hub guarded that guy beautifully (minus the 5/5 FGs he took) and grabbed so many points and boards and steals and blocks himself that he could not be denied Player of the Game… And yet we lost by a point.
But we know that will never happen again, because Brian was set Loos and we already beat you by like 50 since then so you cannot beat me ever now.
NEXT
BOSTON CELTICS
What the hell happened here? 70 win, championship season, and now this? You should be ashamed of yourself.
You can’t… I’m not even gonna… yeah.
NEXT
TEAMS WITH THE NEXT LEAST CHANCE OF BEATING ME
MIAMI HEAT
Miami doesn’t really have a chance of beating me, but it does seem like they may have gotten slightly better from their trade with the Rockets. Gerry Folse, 5 time Finals MVP Gerry Folse, will help any team. He’s so old, yet still gold. I am not sure why he left Houston, but hey, more power to the Heat here.
I think if Miami did make it to the playoffs, I would sic Jean Coss on Dixson, shut his ass down, and then I am only worried about Folse and Bates. And I’m not that worried. I put Hub on one and Morelock on the other and these fools are toast. Never going to beat me.
NEXT
CLEVELAND CAVALIERS
I stan for the S65 Cavs. I love the Chief K acquisition last season and the return of SG Raphael Gordon, the only true SG of PBSL. They got them some Karlo Pearson from the Lakers and still have a SOLID prospect in Devin Vassell sticking around. With Jonathan Isaac balling out this year, too, I cannot see why the Cavs are a fringe playoff team.
Bruh. One of your chucklehead friends needs to help you. Or you need to listen to them. I’m not sure which, but either way call me and let’s get you past the 1st rd of the playoffs, okay? Sheesh.
Can’t beat me. NEXT
ALERT DADDY
BROOKLYN NETS
Hoo Daddy did you all beat PBSL’s Real Daddy, Greepleairport, and whoo eee did you do it in style. Alvarado smoked Markus. Menendez killed Hub like Hub was his Daddy (and Mommy). All-star Ron Harper Jr. more than held his own opposite Alphonse Morelock, and the rest is history. Y’all whooped on me. Well done.
Won’t happen again though (see a running theme here, if you’re still reading?). Let’s say we meet in the playoffs. Not unreasonable. I have a bunch of weapons to release on your team, and I can do it several ways. Markus will always sit across the floor from Alvarado. I cannot lie - that is concerning. But Hub can easily out-muscle RHJr. if Morelock is not up to the task. And Alphonse actually did fine. But that would open Morelock up to run right through Steven Ray, and Jalen warley would stifle Menendez’s offense while Kai Jones comes in to clean up the mess and finish them off.
Definitely cannot beat me. NEXT
MINNESOTA TIMBERWOLVES
I do not know why things have not clicked better in the land of 10,000 Lakes. Much to my benefit though, because if they can only hover around .500, then I will not have to worry about them in the playoffs. Some other team will have to deal with the massive threats of Xue Huo and the German burger. Lord knows I don’t want to deal with them.
So, how about this: by default, you cannot beat me.
NEXT
ANOTHER Fryeing ALERT
ATLANTA HAWKS
I take back my happy birthday wishes, cashcab. You monster. How dare you? I tell you I love you and I love your family and you then have the nerve to beat me? Unbelievable!!!
It cannot happen again, and it will not happen again. Amos is still developing. Phil Smith is still playing the wrong position. Kalin Lucas is basically Phil’s twin, but the ugly one. Daniel Johnson still has a ways to go in his development and Chris Bow is completely underutilized.
Look, Atlanta could beat me a little bit. But, until LazyTitan stops shadow-managing the Hawks and cashcab writes more than a presser, they’re naga… naga…
Err uhh… not gonna beat me. NEXT
WASHINGTON WIZARDS
After the first off year in 3 decades, the Wizards look poised to return to the playoffs with only 2 good players.
Listen. I could figure out which of the green players are good, too. But I only need 3000 words, and at least 10 more teams to write about so
NEXT
These alerts are excessive now, but alert alert
DETROIT PISTONS
Short and sweet - Quailman couldn’t trade Schiff (sorry man, schiff happens in sim league), so they’re still a playoff team, but Morelock today smokes Markannen today all day, so these Pistons are toast.
NEXT
…Even though they beat me (Frye you Mikal Bridges, you untradeable Frye, you).
NEXT
TORONTO RAPTORS
Markus Ridenhour > Jordan Poole.
NEXT
Okay fine. Raptors are good. I really like the team PennPanther has built. Good PG in Poole, great big man in Kevon Looney who continues to impress me and get better every year… but everything else is living in ‘tweener land. Not in the land of ‘tweens - don’t be gross. They’re just…between things. Like, Poole and Looney are prime players. Everyone else is not that. This type of situation just cannot beat me.
NEXT
NEW ORLEANS PELICANS
A true foe, honestly. Like, competition wise. I have no beef with Darth. Seems like a good dude, good GM. If it weren’t for Darth even more GMs would be sad about the state of the trade market. Darth took huge swings and I cannot hate on him for that. That said…
…so you got a p/p AB, eh? Little bit of the Lomax, eh? Sweetened the pot with the All star Zike and the once-upon-a-time-traped-from-Dallas Hackney, eh? I see you Darth. You got a good squad. I don’t know why it’s a .500ish team, but for now, it is. AB and Lomax will give anyone fits…except Morelock and Hub. Morelock and Hub are bad matchups for these dudes, and that, my friend, is why I will beat you.
NEXT
TEAMS WITH THE BEST LEAST CHANCE OF BEATING ME
Honestly the New Orleans Pelicans are a fringe best-least-chance team. Antonio Blakeney is a huge boost to this squad and I think they have much brighter days ahead.
PHOENIX SUNS
Honestly the Phoenix Suns are a fringe best-least-chance team of beating me. I cannot ignore that
ALERT
these fools have beaten me. Twice. Granted they still had a top-5 player in the league in Antonio Blakeney at the time they beat me, but they don’t have them anymore. I figure the Pels and Suns will be swapping spots in the sims to come.
For now, they’re the only team with two wins over my Warriors. They did it with AB, but as we all know AB had been a shadow of himself in Phoenix. Really sucks for them. But, by the numbers, AB did not help them beat me. Anas and Akins, or AA Alcoholics Anonymous, beat me. Walloped me. Embarrassed me. So who knows? Maybe they still have my number. Hopefully they crash and burn before the playoffs and I won’t have to figure out how they won’t beat me.
NEXT
INDIANA PACERS
So I beat the Pacers at the start of the season. Put a lid on Herb, mostly. I’m really close to 3000 words now, so yeah, I’m not looking too hard at how I did it. I’ll look forward to our March matchup and go from there…but prepare to lose my dude. Sorry.
NEXT
CHICAGO BULLS
I beat ya once, and I might not beat you again in the regular season. Last game of the year? We might rest. We’re pulling ahead in the rankings and I think head to head I’m still a bad matchup for Chicago, so
NEXT
HOUSTON ROCKETS
Boy was I glad to see Folse take a trip to Miami! I think this was a future-focused move by Houston, and not a horrible one. But he’ll have to retain Dejuan Baker in Free Agency, and I’m sure plenty of max bids will hit his mailbox. He may have freed up just enough cap to make a big signing prior to signing Dejuan, so we’ll see, but this team is much less scary now than two sims ago. We already beat them twice this year, but we are only +3 against them on the season. They didn’t beat me then; they won’t beat me now. They will, however, give me a headache until someone or I myself knocks them out of the playoffs.
NEXT
LOS ANGELES LAKERS
Their record has proven it, doubling their losses on the season in February. They have thrown in the towel this season, regrouping for some other time. Mad respect to you Mamba. You’ll be back and beating my ass later, guaranteed.
NEXT
MILWAUKEE BUCKS
That’s it. That’s 3000 words. I saved you last, because I have my eye on you. You are my toughest competition this year. So you best believe I’ll be coming for dat ass, son.
Bring it.
I wish you would try. Honestly, why are you selling? You scared, homie? Huh? Lost your balls, bro? Cuz I’ll help you find them and kick you squarely in them with Hub’s 81 QKN and 91 STR. Trust me, it’s going to hurt (he does it to me every time I stifle his sexual advances).
But since I’m not really kicking you in the balls (nor spurning a 6’11” 280lb man’s sexual advances), I’m just going to scroll through the index and figure out ways that my team will beat yours. It’s actually kind of cool, because any way I can find to beat you, I’m telling you now, well before the playoffs. I could have told you before the trade deadline, sure, but that would just be stupid, and this is a You Suck Only version of the seasonal You Suck (And So Do I) Series.
We’ll start with a group of teams that have the least chance of beating me this season (non playoff teams), then teams with the next least chance of beating me (fringe playoff teams), and finish with teams that have the best least chance of beating me (semi-final projected level teams and better).
So that’s why we have to start with the Dallas Mavericks.
TEAMS WITH THE LEAST CHANCE OF BEATING ME
DALLAS MAVERICKS
Look, this joker told me he’s got the #1 pick wrapped up again this year, but really, it’s the Utah Jazz. The lottery can definitely shake things up, but the simputer can recognize the super tiny amount of activity the Utah Jazz have accomplished this season, so I think the simputer will reward them. The Mavericks are delusional to think they’ll get three #1 picks in a row.
I mean, when have three things in a row ever happened in PBSL, am I right? Maybe once? My guy, I love you LazyTitan, but you crazy AF.
The Mavs have a bright future, but Scoot cannot yet hold a candle to Morelock or Hub. I put either of those two on Scoot and their best player will become completely neutralized. Kyle Kuric will dribble the ball off his foot right into Markus Ridenhour’s hands every possession, and Jonathan Kuminga is still too damn slow and underdeveloped.
So, Mavericks, that is why you can’t beat me.
NEXT
…it’s because I will beat you so severely
NEXT
UTAH JAZZ
I love seeing digiskunk back. I can’t actually remember how recently we heard from him, because it has already been a while since then, but digiskunk accomplished a decent amount of things while tuned in to the league. He kept his team horrible, shipped out anything immediately good, set James Orozco up to be their primary scorer, and called it a season. Not bad.
Still, Zed Key crumbles against any of my big guys, Orozco is actually trash, and Daishen Nix has only played 28 games? Did I miss something? Anyway, they are your best players, none of them are any good, and that, sir, is why you can’t beat me.
NEXT
CHARLOTTE BOBCATS
I tried trolling you earlier this season when I dedicated my unnecessary and very extra player training to you, Dr. K., but you didn’t bite. Why didn’t you bite? I even shouted out your all time great meme, Happy Trails. Alas…
You must hate me. You’ll hate me even more after reading this.
…I’m just kidding. Dr. K and his Bobcats have much to look forward to after this season. Chauncey Banks and Edward Bonilla are already proving their worth in Charlotte. Neither looks like a world-beater, but they’re probably overlooked talent and decent athleticism. Funkhouser is clearly the future, and likely a top-3 PG in PBSL one day. Eddie Cruce? Man, I wish for the Bobcats sake they had signed him to more than 2 years. He would be a nice 4th developing piece. Instead they have Frank Chavez, who is not bad at all, but he lacks the unique, floor-spreadiing two-way play that Cruce brings to the team. I hope Charlotte finds a way to retain him, or trade him before his contract is up for a nice return.
That said, there’s no way in hell you can beat me.
NEXT
ALERT ALERT ALERT!!!
ORLANDO MAGIC
These guys just beat me. I’m honestly not sure how it happened. It is pretty upsetting, but I’m sure my still single-digit loss column and I will get over it soon enough. Maybe they’re sneaky good? Well, whatever. They have plenty of developing talent, but a bit of prime, less-than-great talent in Clarence Martin as their PG, and nearly prime Jeff Van Gundy who sucks on principle.
High five to anyone else happy to see that guy get shit canned by ESPN. *clap*
Moving on, Okay Djamgouz’s name is better than the player he’ll ever be. Walker Kessler is a decent prospect at 23 yrs old. JR Smith Jr. will get bucks someday (not today), and Ousmane Dieng is an afterthought.
So, again, how did they beat me, you ask? I guess we’ll never know, because there’s no way in hell you or I will see them in the playoffs. Ergo, you cannot actually beat me (even though you did).
NEXT
DENVER NUGGETS
I never thought it would be possible, but I actually get a warm fuzzy feeling everytime I see the words DENVER NUGGETS in sim league. This can only be attributed to their beloved GM, Panda, who has made everyone feel better about themselves. About life. About things known and unknown, including but not limited to repressed sexual desires. I don’t know how he does it!
I do know that he cannot beat me no matter how hard he tries.
Johnny Davis might be my favorite player in PBSL. Eight yr vet, 7x all star, 22+ PER six seasons running, 5x All-league player, future MVP and Hall of Famer, this guy Fryes. Sadly, his support system is about 3-4yrs behind him in their development! JD is ready to win now, and Amen Thompson is just now playable. Amen’s a stud, don’t get it twisted, but most GMs would have redshirted this guy until this season. The other prospects? Cross and Ford and even Andrew Patrick for that matter? None of these dudes Frye. Like, probably cannot even get a handle on Fryeing themselves. It’s really sad.
So two good guys alone, one still hella underdeveloped, yeah… y’all never beating me.
NEXT
MEMPHIS GRIZZLIES
Leave it to K-100 to be deep in the tax and still have talent like Vaughn Millsap, Angelo Romero and Matisse Thybulle on his team. Like, that’s a decent big 3 for any contending team. What the hell, K-100? How? Why?
Unfortunately for them, they have no one capable of running their offense, so they are a disaster of a team. You have to be able to score to beat my team, and you cannot score, and that’s why you cannot beat me.
NEXT
ALERT ALERT ALERT
SAN ANTONIO SPURS
These fools beat me. By 4 points. They just took me into overtime too. It’s less surprising to me that they can do this opposed to Orlando. Pee Wee Kirkland was healthy and Brandon Ingram did BI things. Pee Wee carried them to the finish in the loss, and BI dropped a 50 piece in the overtime game (but so did Markus Ridenhour - HA!). We have all been watching Carlos’s next gen Spurs brewing into a monster, and they’re really, really close. They will contend next year and drive GMs mad.
But this year they suck, and they shouldn’t have beaten me. Their C, PF and SF have a ways to develop yet, and those are the areas the Warriors excel. No brainer, really. We smoke these dudes 9/10 times, and Markus will hold his own against Hoyt or Pee Wee when he’s healthy again. We will prove that, even though they beat me, they seriously cannot beat me.
NEXT
ANOTHER ALERT
PORTLAND TRAILBLAZERS
Alright, another team beat me. Beat me pretty good, actually, by over 20 points. I don’t believe anyone else handled me like that this season. Hats off to Grovestreet and AJ Blaze and Garland and Larry Williams. Unfortunately Grovestreet broke up the band sending Larry to Milwaukee, and thus they are incapable of beating me anymore. Like, no chance in hell. You got not chance.
NEXT
STUPID Fryeing ALERT
SACRAMENTO KINGS
I am so annoyed. I just beat these guys by like, 50 pts! And yet, they still beat me earlier this year by a point. Brian Loos with a buzzer beater. Fabian Hub guarded that guy beautifully (minus the 5/5 FGs he took) and grabbed so many points and boards and steals and blocks himself that he could not be denied Player of the Game… And yet we lost by a point.
But we know that will never happen again, because Brian was set Loos and we already beat you by like 50 since then so you cannot beat me ever now.
NEXT
BOSTON CELTICS
What the hell happened here? 70 win, championship season, and now this? You should be ashamed of yourself.
You can’t… I’m not even gonna… yeah.
NEXT
TEAMS WITH THE NEXT LEAST CHANCE OF BEATING ME
MIAMI HEAT
Miami doesn’t really have a chance of beating me, but it does seem like they may have gotten slightly better from their trade with the Rockets. Gerry Folse, 5 time Finals MVP Gerry Folse, will help any team. He’s so old, yet still gold. I am not sure why he left Houston, but hey, more power to the Heat here.
I think if Miami did make it to the playoffs, I would sic Jean Coss on Dixson, shut his ass down, and then I am only worried about Folse and Bates. And I’m not that worried. I put Hub on one and Morelock on the other and these fools are toast. Never going to beat me.
NEXT
CLEVELAND CAVALIERS
I stan for the S65 Cavs. I love the Chief K acquisition last season and the return of SG Raphael Gordon, the only true SG of PBSL. They got them some Karlo Pearson from the Lakers and still have a SOLID prospect in Devin Vassell sticking around. With Jonathan Isaac balling out this year, too, I cannot see why the Cavs are a fringe playoff team.
Bruh. One of your chucklehead friends needs to help you. Or you need to listen to them. I’m not sure which, but either way call me and let’s get you past the 1st rd of the playoffs, okay? Sheesh.
Can’t beat me. NEXT
ALERT DADDY
BROOKLYN NETS
Hoo Daddy did you all beat PBSL’s Real Daddy, Greepleairport, and whoo eee did you do it in style. Alvarado smoked Markus. Menendez killed Hub like Hub was his Daddy (and Mommy). All-star Ron Harper Jr. more than held his own opposite Alphonse Morelock, and the rest is history. Y’all whooped on me. Well done.
Won’t happen again though (see a running theme here, if you’re still reading?). Let’s say we meet in the playoffs. Not unreasonable. I have a bunch of weapons to release on your team, and I can do it several ways. Markus will always sit across the floor from Alvarado. I cannot lie - that is concerning. But Hub can easily out-muscle RHJr. if Morelock is not up to the task. And Alphonse actually did fine. But that would open Morelock up to run right through Steven Ray, and Jalen warley would stifle Menendez’s offense while Kai Jones comes in to clean up the mess and finish them off.
Definitely cannot beat me. NEXT
MINNESOTA TIMBERWOLVES
I do not know why things have not clicked better in the land of 10,000 Lakes. Much to my benefit though, because if they can only hover around .500, then I will not have to worry about them in the playoffs. Some other team will have to deal with the massive threats of Xue Huo and the German burger. Lord knows I don’t want to deal with them.
So, how about this: by default, you cannot beat me.
NEXT
ANOTHER Fryeing ALERT
ATLANTA HAWKS
I take back my happy birthday wishes, cashcab. You monster. How dare you? I tell you I love you and I love your family and you then have the nerve to beat me? Unbelievable!!!
It cannot happen again, and it will not happen again. Amos is still developing. Phil Smith is still playing the wrong position. Kalin Lucas is basically Phil’s twin, but the ugly one. Daniel Johnson still has a ways to go in his development and Chris Bow is completely underutilized.
Look, Atlanta could beat me a little bit. But, until LazyTitan stops shadow-managing the Hawks and cashcab writes more than a presser, they’re naga… naga…
Err uhh… not gonna beat me. NEXT
WASHINGTON WIZARDS
After the first off year in 3 decades, the Wizards look poised to return to the playoffs with only 2 good players.
Listen. I could figure out which of the green players are good, too. But I only need 3000 words, and at least 10 more teams to write about so
NEXT
These alerts are excessive now, but alert alert
DETROIT PISTONS
Short and sweet - Quailman couldn’t trade Schiff (sorry man, schiff happens in sim league), so they’re still a playoff team, but Morelock today smokes Markannen today all day, so these Pistons are toast.
NEXT
…Even though they beat me (Frye you Mikal Bridges, you untradeable Frye, you).
NEXT
TORONTO RAPTORS
Markus Ridenhour > Jordan Poole.
NEXT
Okay fine. Raptors are good. I really like the team PennPanther has built. Good PG in Poole, great big man in Kevon Looney who continues to impress me and get better every year… but everything else is living in ‘tweener land. Not in the land of ‘tweens - don’t be gross. They’re just…between things. Like, Poole and Looney are prime players. Everyone else is not that. This type of situation just cannot beat me.
NEXT
NEW ORLEANS PELICANS
A true foe, honestly. Like, competition wise. I have no beef with Darth. Seems like a good dude, good GM. If it weren’t for Darth even more GMs would be sad about the state of the trade market. Darth took huge swings and I cannot hate on him for that. That said…
…so you got a p/p AB, eh? Little bit of the Lomax, eh? Sweetened the pot with the All star Zike and the once-upon-a-time-traped-from-Dallas Hackney, eh? I see you Darth. You got a good squad. I don’t know why it’s a .500ish team, but for now, it is. AB and Lomax will give anyone fits…except Morelock and Hub. Morelock and Hub are bad matchups for these dudes, and that, my friend, is why I will beat you.
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TEAMS WITH THE BEST LEAST CHANCE OF BEATING ME
Honestly the New Orleans Pelicans are a fringe best-least-chance team. Antonio Blakeney is a huge boost to this squad and I think they have much brighter days ahead.
PHOENIX SUNS
Honestly the Phoenix Suns are a fringe best-least-chance team of beating me. I cannot ignore that
ALERT
these fools have beaten me. Twice. Granted they still had a top-5 player in the league in Antonio Blakeney at the time they beat me, but they don’t have them anymore. I figure the Pels and Suns will be swapping spots in the sims to come.
For now, they’re the only team with two wins over my Warriors. They did it with AB, but as we all know AB had been a shadow of himself in Phoenix. Really sucks for them. But, by the numbers, AB did not help them beat me. Anas and Akins, or AA Alcoholics Anonymous, beat me. Walloped me. Embarrassed me. So who knows? Maybe they still have my number. Hopefully they crash and burn before the playoffs and I won’t have to figure out how they won’t beat me.
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INDIANA PACERS
So I beat the Pacers at the start of the season. Put a lid on Herb, mostly. I’m really close to 3000 words now, so yeah, I’m not looking too hard at how I did it. I’ll look forward to our March matchup and go from there…but prepare to lose my dude. Sorry.
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CHICAGO BULLS
I beat ya once, and I might not beat you again in the regular season. Last game of the year? We might rest. We’re pulling ahead in the rankings and I think head to head I’m still a bad matchup for Chicago, so
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HOUSTON ROCKETS
Boy was I glad to see Folse take a trip to Miami! I think this was a future-focused move by Houston, and not a horrible one. But he’ll have to retain Dejuan Baker in Free Agency, and I’m sure plenty of max bids will hit his mailbox. He may have freed up just enough cap to make a big signing prior to signing Dejuan, so we’ll see, but this team is much less scary now than two sims ago. We already beat them twice this year, but we are only +3 against them on the season. They didn’t beat me then; they won’t beat me now. They will, however, give me a headache until someone or I myself knocks them out of the playoffs.
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LOS ANGELES LAKERS
Their record has proven it, doubling their losses on the season in February. They have thrown in the towel this season, regrouping for some other time. Mad respect to you Mamba. You’ll be back and beating my ass later, guaranteed.
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MILWAUKEE BUCKS
That’s it. That’s 3000 words. I saved you last, because I have my eye on you. You are my toughest competition this year. So you best believe I’ll be coming for dat ass, son.
Bring it.