#SLOE: People's Basketball Sim League

Press is gathered in folding chairs, staring at a spotlit empty podium. The members of their press corps with their laminated lanyards look to be growing impatient as they wait for something to happen. Minutes roll by as they begin to talk amongst themselves, pockets of polite laughter bubble up here and there as they nervously socialize, making uncomfortable jokes with people they kind of know, at least professionally.

Awkward pauses arrhythmically punctuate the low humming waves of noise so that when the sound of initial feedback from a freshly switched on PA system hits the room, it isn’t shocking, and the errant voices take time to fizzle before abruptly being cut off by the Bulls PA announcer,

“…AND NOOOOOOW, INTRODUCING THE NEW OWNER OF YOUR CHICAGO BULLS…”





A short man in a nice suit walks out. The suit is reeeeeeal nice. Must’ve cost a fortune. Some of you might recognize him. The press corps doesn’t because he’s from a different fictional universe. Or maybe they do because they cover basketball, and it’s not like he just bought the team. So yeah, let’s go with that. They know who he is and it isn’t weird or anything because he’s a guy who’s legitimately rich enough to buy a basketball team in this universe and they already know about that.

“…ROMAN FRANC ROY!”

There’s some applause, but it’s not raucous or anything as Roman steps to the podium. Mostly the applause is for me for adding strikethru code to the forum. Feel free to use it.


Roman: “Yeah, yeah. Calm down you vultures. I came into a big sum of money recently, so I decided, ‘what the hell…I’ll buy a basketball team,’ and they said that this one was pretty good, and it had a General Manager who generally knows what he’s doing. And yes, it’s true that the initial purchase was made by Roman Franc and garbageman used his admin powers to rename me. I’m not a player, so it’s not against the rules, and no, he’s not going to rename your team owners, so don’t bother asking. Anyone got a problem with that?”

Some of the members of the press look confused, a couple hands go up. Roman ignores them.

Roman: “Fantastic. Now, onto business. I’m not huge into sportsball or whatever, so I pretty much just went with what garbageman said over the offseason, and we went out and got some expensive players who are apparently pretty good like Charles Darrett and Ken Jerks. It’s an expensive team overall, so it better be good, but they’re a team, and when a team is a team it can’t actually be beat.”

Roman takes out some notecards that garbageman drew up for him. He provides an internal monologue as he looks through them.

Roman: “Don’t know what this means…” *FLIP* “That looks like as good a starting lineup as any.” *FLIP* “Don’t give a Frye about last year…”

Roman tosses the notecards in the air.

Roman: “You know what? Let’s just get to the questions so I can get out of here before looking at all you sportswriter types for too long kills my ability to get a boner later."

Roy points to some oafy looking beardo with a field recorder, but realistically, he could've pointed to most

Roman: "I don't want to be sitting there jerking off tonight and all of the sudden that guy's face pops out of my memory,”

Roman, are you sure you were supposed to buy the Bulls? I see Logan as more of a Knicks guy.

K-100 wrote: Thu Jun 08, 2023 6:42 am Roman, are you sure you were supposed to buy the Bulls? I see Logan as more of a Knicks guy.

You know, I looked through the options, and there wasn't a team called the Knicks. Maybe there was at one point, but they were probably run by some weird sex maniac so the denizens of New York decided that they'd run him out to some hick town in one of the Carolinas where it wasn't as big a deal to marry your cousin.

So yeah, I guess I decided to buy a team that exists. Brilliant question, Einstein.

What are your expectations for Mac this season? Also Svi had a really good preseason averaging almost 7 blocks per game. Do you think that could translate to the regular season?

Eazy P wrote: Thu Jun 08, 2023 10:03 am What are your expectations for Mac this season? Also Svi had a really good preseason averaging almost 7 blocks per game. Do you think that could translate to the regular season?

Roman: That sounds more like a question for garbageman than me, so let me look here...

Roman picks up some of the cards that landed on the podium, straightens them out, and starts shuffling through.

Roman: Nope. Nope. Nothing. Ah, here's one. It says that Mac is our point guard so I, uh, guess we expect him to do lots of points this season. And as for the other guy, if he had 7 blocks in preseason, we'll see if he can up it to 8 in regular season. Unless we don't want blocks. Then maybe we ask him to cool it on the blocks. Our coaches will figure that out.

Random Reporter: While you appear to be set up for success this season and beyond, is there anything that you feel you are currently lacking in order to make an impact as soon as possible?

Xist2Inspire wrote: Fri Jun 09, 2023 5:29 am Random Reporter: While you appear to be set up for success this season and beyond, is there anything that you feel you are currently lacking in order to make an impact as soon as possible?

Roman: My father's approval.

Do I need to watch succession to understand this presser?

IamQuailman wrote: Fri Jun 09, 2023 9:46 am Do I need to watch succession to understand this presser?

Do you not understand this presser?

What drives you, outside of your fathers approval, to run a pro sports team? Is it the money? is it the color of the uniforms? Is it a drive to be more successful than the previous owner of the team?

NickMalone77 wrote: Fri Jun 09, 2023 11:18 am What drives you, outside of your fathers approval, to run a pro sports team? Is it the money? is it the color of the uniforms? Is it a drive to be more successful than the previous owner of the team?

Roman: I'm not really running the team, I'm just owning the team. I'm very hands off with the day to day approach, but to answer your question, if you look at my profile on the Bulls roster page, it says I value winning a lot, but even more than that, I am a greedy little Frye. And while I do want to make a shit ton of money, I already have a shit ton of money, so what's really the point, am I right? I guess I want to prove I can succeed at anything and what better way to grow my fortune than on the backs of men twice my height?

Are the rumors true that Kendall wanted to co-own the Bulls? How about Shiv and Tom Wambgsgans making serious in roads with other large market teams?

greepleairport wrote: Sat Jun 10, 2023 1:37 pm Are the rumors true that Kendall wanted to co-own the Bulls? How about Shiv and Tom Wambgsgans making serious in roads with other large market teams?

Roman: I don't think Kendall was cool with co-anything anything. I was going to have him come out and do one of his little raps, but he was too sad, so I'm guessing he's busy using his own tears as lube. And Tom's too busy gobbling Ikea meatballs that DON'T look like little pieces of shit.