The Team That Never Was
Posted: Wed Feb 01, 2023 6:37 pm
The year is 2050. It's been 35 years since the NBA left Seattle for greener pastures (an oddly ironic phrase, since years later that same franchise would leave OKC for literal "greener" pastures in Boston). 35 long years where the state of Washington (not to be confused with the capital city of the 52nd state) had no NBA at all to look forward to, and wistful tales of legendary GMs such as Nicholas Cajun and some guy named Darth echoed through the region. But no more. Finally, after over three decades, the NBA was coming back to the Emerald City. For the 2050-51 NBA season, the Seattle Supersonics were back in business.
…And not a single person knew how the hell they got there.
THE OFFSEASON
Who the hell okayed this? Where the heck did they come from? These were just some of the questions asked when it was suddenly announced that the Seattle Supersonics would be (re)joining the league…after the draft had concluded. And RFA. Rumors swirled that a shady conglomerate had offered Commissioner Roberto an ungodly (and undisclosed) sum of money (that some might call a bribe) in order to bring NBA basketball back to Seattle. While that might have been true, one must wonder why anyone would have enough money to will an NBA team into existence…and yet not have enough money to actually pay players. Every new Sonic was signed on the last day of Free Agency, for one-year minimum deals. It was almost like there was no intention on keeping the team going past that season…
PRESEASON
Who cares about preseason? It's never really an indicator of regular season success. However, sometimes there are hints that you can pick up on. And one look at the Sonics' 0-6 season tells you one thing: These guys suck. Like, really suck. Even in a setting where nobody really cares about how many shots you put up, the Sonics still failed to break 93 points in any of their games, and only scored more than 90 twice. The people of Seattle are starting to look at their Squatch gloves and wondering if they're imagining the slight curl in the fingers…
NOVEMBER: 0-15
Yeah, you heard right. 0-15, and outside of playing fellow basement-dwellers Minnesota and Atlanta close, it's been a strong winless season. While the De'Aaron Fox Division isn't a war zone by any means, with a clear progression from great to not very good, this start pretty much seals the deal: This is not a team worth watching.
DECEMBER: 3-13 (Overall 3-28)
Hold up, not so fast! After a full month (and preseason) of learning how to play basketball, the Sonics start off December with a win! At home! By a single point! Against the Spurs! They're not great themselves, but they feature a future all-NBA talent in Brandon Ingram and 2 legitimately great NBA players in Anas Mahmoud and Larry Williams, 3 more good players than what the Sonics have, which is zero. Despite that, a legendary 19-point, 11-rebound, 46-minute performance from power forward Tanner Briscoe simply overpowered the poor Spurs, with wily vet Matthew Cleveland holding Larry Williams to only 14 points, while adding 20 of his own. With all 6.8k fans in the area leaving inspired (keep in mind their area has a capacity of 19k), and emotions running high, the Sonics took their newly found momentum…and lost 4 straight. Then finished the month 0-7. There was a small 4-game run in between where they went 2-2, beating the Timberwolves and Suns, but they finished the month with a 3-28 record. Is there really anything to celebrate about that stretch?
JANUARY: 1-14 (overall 4-42)
Outside of one win near the end of the month (1/26/51, at home against the Portland Trailblazers), this month really showcases just how bad the Sonics are, both offensively and defensively. On the offensive end, if you actually were there to see them play, then you'd know that there's few things more offensive" than that! (Wakka wakka) But jokes aside, their 59-point performance against the Golden State Warriors will go down as one of the most miserable showings in recent memory, with no player scoring over 15 points (and only 3 players scored 10 or more), and not a single quarter had more than 16 points scored. It was so bad of a loss that home attendance dropped by almost 2k between that game (7,752) and the next (vs. Suns, 5,989). Defensively, their worst showing came almost at the end of the month, as the Indiana Pacers dropped 132 on them on January 30th. While this wasn't the first time a team had absolutely shredded the wet tissue they called a defense (the Raptors scored 135 all the way back in November, and the Lakers had also hung 132 on them at the start of this month), this was the first time they'd been walloped at home to that degree. Legend has it that only 1,000 of the 6,388 people in attendance actually stayed to watch the fourth quarter…and only 300 were left by the time the final buzzer sounded.
FEBRUARY: 1-13 (overall 5-55)
Now you'd think that the team would rally around Rookie Game MVP Tanner Briscoe and start winning, but if you did, you were probably still buying courtside tickets to their home games. Besides, right after All-Star Weekend ended, it was discovered that Briscoe was, in fact, not a rookie at all. You'd think that his being 26 years of age would've tipped someone off, but no, it took internet sleuths to discover that he had actually been drafted six years ago in 2044 and had played in 52 games for the Sixers, even logging six starts. NBA officials considered stripping Briscoe of his trophy, but given that nobody really cares about the Rookie Game anyway, it was decided that Sonics fans had suffered enough. Briscoe was allowed to keep his trophy, and there actually was a huge spike in Sonics jersey sales after that. Rumors spread that the spike was due to fans of the other rookies and sophomores who had participated in the game buying Briscoe's jerseys just to burn them outside their local stadiums, but this was never officially confirmed.
MARCH: 1-12 (overall 6-67)
Technically, this is an improvement. 1-14 one month, then 1-13, then 1-12. If you can say one thing about this team, it's that they're pretty consistent. Unfortunately, this month saw the Sonics put on their undisputed worst performance of the season, a 67-129 drubbing at the hands of the Pacers on March 10th. The Pacers, who really seemed to have had it out for the Sonics the entire season, held them to just 8 points in the second quarter. Keep in mind, this is after after a first quarter where the Pacers doubled the Sonics' score (42 to 21). Yes that's right, 42 points in the first quarter. Truly, the Pacers were the Top Opp during the reborn Sonics' short existence.
APRIL: 1-8 (finished 7-75)
While some would say that the Sonics finished their first (and only) season off strong, I would say that looking at winning percentage by month is just, like, the highest possible form of sad sports fan copium. And even then, their winning percentage in April (11.11%) was still second to their winning percentage in December (18.75%). So even at the very end, the Sonics failed to meet the bare minimum. Their final win was a 97-95 home stand over the Denver Nuggets on April 6th, a total gimmie game where the Nuggets only played 7 players for the entire game. But whereas the Nuggets showed mercy that night, the Sonics' final home game was a mercy killing, as the Sonics ate their final loss in front of 6,126 fans at the hands of - who else - the Indiana Pacers. And thus ended the actual on-court portion of the Seattle Supersonics 2.0 Story.
On June 25th, 2051, a few weeks after the NBA Finals had concluded, it was announced that the Seattle Supersonics were, effective immediately, now a defunct franchise. The mysterious benefactor who had willed this team into existence was revealed to be - of all things - the head of a Canadian drug-running empire based in Prince Edward Island, British Columbia, who had funded the Sonics revival with the ultimate goal being to move them to Vancouver and revive the Grizzlies under a new name (reportedly the Polars, which led the entire fiasco to be known as the "Coke Bear Crackdown"). After a raid of the Sonics' offices which saw the kingpin, 63-year-old Caron Otto, detained by the US government at the same time his home base in Canada was seized by the handsome, brave, and strong RCMP. With the assets that made up the Sonics officially split between two neighboring nations, Commissioner Roberto deemed it best to quietly dissolve the franchise rather than attempt to find a new management group to assume control, or even award a new franchise to a city in order to make up for the loss of one. Sorry, Knicks fans.
While it would be nice to close with a "Where Are They Now?" segment on the 10 members of the 2050-51 Seattle Supersonics, only one - the imposter rookie Tanner Briscoe - is on an NBA roster at the time of this writing, with Briscoe actually managing to hold down a starting role for a few games as a Washington Wizard. Briscoe, the 3rd leading scorer for the Sonics at 13.1 ppg, has largely struggled this season, likely due to a crippling case of imposter syndrome now that he's surrounded by actual NBA talent. Of the rest, only guard Danial Bonin can't be found either roaming about in the various minor leagues or playing overseas, and it is highly suspected that he was fully aware of the sordid story behind the Sonics' creation, and is now on the run from the law. Of the "talents" showcased during the Sonics' season, one would think that 7'3" PG Mike Ali would've drawn interest for fairly obvious reasons, but according to one season ticket-holder, "I'm not surprised. Watching Mike Ali run point is the single worst thing I saw that entire season. Might be the worst thing I've seen in my life, now that I think about it." And with that sterling endorsement, I think we can bring this story to a close. A story of undying hope and passion, leading to a period of agony and defeat, and ending in embarrassment and emptiness. This is the story of the 2050-51 Seattle Supersonics - The team that many wish never was.
…And not a single person knew how the hell they got there.
THE OFFSEASON
Who the hell okayed this? Where the heck did they come from? These were just some of the questions asked when it was suddenly announced that the Seattle Supersonics would be (re)joining the league…after the draft had concluded. And RFA. Rumors swirled that a shady conglomerate had offered Commissioner Roberto an ungodly (and undisclosed) sum of money (that some might call a bribe) in order to bring NBA basketball back to Seattle. While that might have been true, one must wonder why anyone would have enough money to will an NBA team into existence…and yet not have enough money to actually pay players. Every new Sonic was signed on the last day of Free Agency, for one-year minimum deals. It was almost like there was no intention on keeping the team going past that season…
PRESEASON
Who cares about preseason? It's never really an indicator of regular season success. However, sometimes there are hints that you can pick up on. And one look at the Sonics' 0-6 season tells you one thing: These guys suck. Like, really suck. Even in a setting where nobody really cares about how many shots you put up, the Sonics still failed to break 93 points in any of their games, and only scored more than 90 twice. The people of Seattle are starting to look at their Squatch gloves and wondering if they're imagining the slight curl in the fingers…
NOVEMBER: 0-15
Yeah, you heard right. 0-15, and outside of playing fellow basement-dwellers Minnesota and Atlanta close, it's been a strong winless season. While the De'Aaron Fox Division isn't a war zone by any means, with a clear progression from great to not very good, this start pretty much seals the deal: This is not a team worth watching.
DECEMBER: 3-13 (Overall 3-28)
Hold up, not so fast! After a full month (and preseason) of learning how to play basketball, the Sonics start off December with a win! At home! By a single point! Against the Spurs! They're not great themselves, but they feature a future all-NBA talent in Brandon Ingram and 2 legitimately great NBA players in Anas Mahmoud and Larry Williams, 3 more good players than what the Sonics have, which is zero. Despite that, a legendary 19-point, 11-rebound, 46-minute performance from power forward Tanner Briscoe simply overpowered the poor Spurs, with wily vet Matthew Cleveland holding Larry Williams to only 14 points, while adding 20 of his own. With all 6.8k fans in the area leaving inspired (keep in mind their area has a capacity of 19k), and emotions running high, the Sonics took their newly found momentum…and lost 4 straight. Then finished the month 0-7. There was a small 4-game run in between where they went 2-2, beating the Timberwolves and Suns, but they finished the month with a 3-28 record. Is there really anything to celebrate about that stretch?
JANUARY: 1-14 (overall 4-42)
Outside of one win near the end of the month (1/26/51, at home against the Portland Trailblazers), this month really showcases just how bad the Sonics are, both offensively and defensively. On the offensive end, if you actually were there to see them play, then you'd know that there's few things more offensive" than that! (Wakka wakka) But jokes aside, their 59-point performance against the Golden State Warriors will go down as one of the most miserable showings in recent memory, with no player scoring over 15 points (and only 3 players scored 10 or more), and not a single quarter had more than 16 points scored. It was so bad of a loss that home attendance dropped by almost 2k between that game (7,752) and the next (vs. Suns, 5,989). Defensively, their worst showing came almost at the end of the month, as the Indiana Pacers dropped 132 on them on January 30th. While this wasn't the first time a team had absolutely shredded the wet tissue they called a defense (the Raptors scored 135 all the way back in November, and the Lakers had also hung 132 on them at the start of this month), this was the first time they'd been walloped at home to that degree. Legend has it that only 1,000 of the 6,388 people in attendance actually stayed to watch the fourth quarter…and only 300 were left by the time the final buzzer sounded.
FEBRUARY: 1-13 (overall 5-55)
Now you'd think that the team would rally around Rookie Game MVP Tanner Briscoe and start winning, but if you did, you were probably still buying courtside tickets to their home games. Besides, right after All-Star Weekend ended, it was discovered that Briscoe was, in fact, not a rookie at all. You'd think that his being 26 years of age would've tipped someone off, but no, it took internet sleuths to discover that he had actually been drafted six years ago in 2044 and had played in 52 games for the Sixers, even logging six starts. NBA officials considered stripping Briscoe of his trophy, but given that nobody really cares about the Rookie Game anyway, it was decided that Sonics fans had suffered enough. Briscoe was allowed to keep his trophy, and there actually was a huge spike in Sonics jersey sales after that. Rumors spread that the spike was due to fans of the other rookies and sophomores who had participated in the game buying Briscoe's jerseys just to burn them outside their local stadiums, but this was never officially confirmed.
MARCH: 1-12 (overall 6-67)
Technically, this is an improvement. 1-14 one month, then 1-13, then 1-12. If you can say one thing about this team, it's that they're pretty consistent. Unfortunately, this month saw the Sonics put on their undisputed worst performance of the season, a 67-129 drubbing at the hands of the Pacers on March 10th. The Pacers, who really seemed to have had it out for the Sonics the entire season, held them to just 8 points in the second quarter. Keep in mind, this is after after a first quarter where the Pacers doubled the Sonics' score (42 to 21). Yes that's right, 42 points in the first quarter. Truly, the Pacers were the Top Opp during the reborn Sonics' short existence.
APRIL: 1-8 (finished 7-75)
While some would say that the Sonics finished their first (and only) season off strong, I would say that looking at winning percentage by month is just, like, the highest possible form of sad sports fan copium. And even then, their winning percentage in April (11.11%) was still second to their winning percentage in December (18.75%). So even at the very end, the Sonics failed to meet the bare minimum. Their final win was a 97-95 home stand over the Denver Nuggets on April 6th, a total gimmie game where the Nuggets only played 7 players for the entire game. But whereas the Nuggets showed mercy that night, the Sonics' final home game was a mercy killing, as the Sonics ate their final loss in front of 6,126 fans at the hands of - who else - the Indiana Pacers. And thus ended the actual on-court portion of the Seattle Supersonics 2.0 Story.
On June 25th, 2051, a few weeks after the NBA Finals had concluded, it was announced that the Seattle Supersonics were, effective immediately, now a defunct franchise. The mysterious benefactor who had willed this team into existence was revealed to be - of all things - the head of a Canadian drug-running empire based in Prince Edward Island, British Columbia, who had funded the Sonics revival with the ultimate goal being to move them to Vancouver and revive the Grizzlies under a new name (reportedly the Polars, which led the entire fiasco to be known as the "Coke Bear Crackdown"). After a raid of the Sonics' offices which saw the kingpin, 63-year-old Caron Otto, detained by the US government at the same time his home base in Canada was seized by the handsome, brave, and strong RCMP. With the assets that made up the Sonics officially split between two neighboring nations, Commissioner Roberto deemed it best to quietly dissolve the franchise rather than attempt to find a new management group to assume control, or even award a new franchise to a city in order to make up for the loss of one. Sorry, Knicks fans.
While it would be nice to close with a "Where Are They Now?" segment on the 10 members of the 2050-51 Seattle Supersonics, only one - the imposter rookie Tanner Briscoe - is on an NBA roster at the time of this writing, with Briscoe actually managing to hold down a starting role for a few games as a Washington Wizard. Briscoe, the 3rd leading scorer for the Sonics at 13.1 ppg, has largely struggled this season, likely due to a crippling case of imposter syndrome now that he's surrounded by actual NBA talent. Of the rest, only guard Danial Bonin can't be found either roaming about in the various minor leagues or playing overseas, and it is highly suspected that he was fully aware of the sordid story behind the Sonics' creation, and is now on the run from the law. Of the "talents" showcased during the Sonics' season, one would think that 7'3" PG Mike Ali would've drawn interest for fairly obvious reasons, but according to one season ticket-holder, "I'm not surprised. Watching Mike Ali run point is the single worst thing I saw that entire season. Might be the worst thing I've seen in my life, now that I think about it." And with that sterling endorsement, I think we can bring this story to a close. A story of undying hope and passion, leading to a period of agony and defeat, and ending in embarrassment and emptiness. This is the story of the 2050-51 Seattle Supersonics - The team that many wish never was.