Utah Jazz S61 Preseason Press Conference

[digiskunk]

Utah Jazz S61 Presser
Running late, Jazz GM Digiskunk raced to put on his clothes and drive to the local Wendy's, where his preseason press conference was scheduled to be held. With only minutes left to spare, Digi sprinted his way into the restaurant and began to physically assault the employees—a likely felony if it wasn't for the security cameras being disconnected. With his enemies crawling on the floor and begging for forgiveness, not to mention urging bystanders to call the police, Digi proudly walked up to the register with a stern look in his eyes.

digiskunk: Now you listen and you listen closely because I have a lot of things to get off my chest and you're going to listen. First and foremost, I want to reach out to the Philadelphia Phillies and Philadelphia Union—both of whom failed to capture the most illustrious title in their respective sports. As a native of the Greater Philadelphia area, I feel the need to mention this during this press conference because we Philadelphians pride ourselves on our sports and our heritage, which is why I've brought a carbon copy of the Liberty Bell with me today. If you wish to pay respects, I accept donations via PayPal and OnlyFans subscriptions. Anyway, both of these teams managed to inspire me in ways that I cannot express in words alone, which is why I aim to pay tribute to both teams this upcoming season. I will avenge you, Philadelphia! Or perhaps I will disappoint again—we'll see.

Next, I want to discuss last season. Despite being in as much debt as Allen Iverson, we were able to continue our success from the previous season; however, we hit yet another roadblock in the playoffs and come up as short as Doug's penis. To remedy this, I decided to restructure the team around our future stars, Gerald Dixson and Albert Myers—who, of course, will share responsibilities with big men Angelo Romero and Les Kim.

The most important aspect of Gerald Dixson and Albert Myers' game, I believe, is their versatility. Both of them can shoot, defend, rebound, and pass—everything you'd want in a player. Moreover they're both capable of playing (and covering) multiple positions with ease, allowing me to give them more minutes. This may not be the best team we could've put together (given our bench) but I think we'll surprise a lot of critics this year.

Lastly, I want to introduce you to one of the worst movies I've seen in a few weeks: L.A. AIDS Jabber. It's a low-budget horror film about a guy who discovers he has AIDS so he decides to take his revenge out on the world by injecting his so-called "enemies" (which he has written down on his hitlist) with his own blood. I won't spoil anything but this movie won't disappoint:

phpBB [video]

(If the video doesn't work, here's a direct link to the full film: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qV8YNzLvRTQ

I'll now be taking questions!

[IamQuailman]

i'm coming

[IamQuailman]

oops, hit enter too fast. I'm coming to ask you what's your plan for this season? Are you going really HARD, or is your team getting kinda limp

[digiskunk]

oops, hit enter too fast. I'm coming to ask you what's your plan for this season? Are you going really HARD, or is your team getting kinda limp

Once again, we're hoping to go as deep as humanly possible. We've failed in our last few attempts but I feel that the changes we've made will increase our chances of getting lai--I mean winning the title.

[garbageman]

Sham Smith, Bulls.com: How do you plan to pay off the tax and get the Jazz back in good standing in the league? Or do you plan on quitting with an unpayable bill and letting Doug take over?

[IamQuailman]

Sham Smith, Bulls.com: How do you plan to pay off the tax and get the Jazz back in good standing in the league? Or do you plan on quitting with an unpayable bill and letting Doug take over?

Worked for the Pistons!

[digiskunk]

Sham Smith, Bulls.com: How do you plan to pay off the tax and get the Jazz back in good standing in the league? Or do you plan on quitting with an unpayable bill and letting Doug take over?

Oh there's no way we're quitting—I just haven't tallied up all my points from the last few seasons. Why? Laziness, really, which led to more laziness. Since we were a winning team, I didn't really feel the need to do it right away... Nevertheless, I am going to pay off the bill like last time BUT I want to remind people that sometimes success comes at a cost!

[digiskunk]

bumping for... posterity?

[Xist2Inspire]

Random Reporter: So, uh...when are the Mormon Mafia going to run Les Kim out of town for his blatant misuse of the city's funds through donations to his many fraudulent fundraisers?

[digiskunk]

Random Reporter: So, uh...when are the Mormon Mafia going to run Les Kim out of town for his blatant misuse of the city's funds through donations to his many fraudulent fundraisers?

I'm glad you asked this question, as it is one that I've dwelt on for some time now. After the Mormon Rebellion of 1857, the Mormon Mafia has grown to become a formidable force in Utah politics, and we'd prefer NOT to poke the bear. We've granted Les Kim his own personal security escort to ensure his safety as it's vital for our team's success. We've spoken to Les about these so-called fundraisers and he assured us they were legit, so we will trust him at his word because why would somebody lie????

[greepleairport]

Who is the real LA Aids JaZZer, eh? Eh?