#SLOE: People's Basketball Sim League

Utah Jazz GM digiskunk wasn't used to holding press conferences in his living room, but today he made an exception. He wanted to show the world, and league at large, that he was one of the people. Sure, maybe he held some lavish parties at the expense of the club's finances here and there, but who can say they haven't done that? Nobody. Nevertheless, digi was nervous. What was he going to tell the fans of the team who came up short for the second season in a row? He was unsure. But before he could even collect his thoughts, multiple reporters started banging on his front door. Startled, he answered the door in his Sting WCW t-shirt and Coors Lite pajama pants.

"Welcome, my friends, to the home of the manager of the Utah Jazz. I really, really appreciate your being here—I promise. Follow me to the living room, where I keep my mannequins on display," digi said as he led the line of reporters into the living room.

digiskunk: First and foremost, I want to thank the dear people of Utah for standing behind this team through thick and thin. Your support has not only motivated us, but also inspired us to be better men on and off the court. I, personally, have benefited from this: Many of you have given me money and I'm happy to say that I've finally repaid all my debts to the cartels. Whew.

Anyway, we had a lot of fun last season, finishing with 5 wins and 27 rigged games that resulted in losses. Once again, this team was spearheaded by Talen Horton Tucker, Zaire Wade, Les Kim, and Angelo Romero—all of which put up amazing numbers throughout the season and into the playoffs. Tony Krebs had a great season and is ready to take the helm as the starter, though he'll have to earn his minutes. Ervin Armitage also had a great season and continued to improve in the offseason, so expect to see him more often heading forward.

We aren't ready to discuss the playoffs yet, however: The pain still stings. For now, we'll discuss the future.

Right now we're investigating the Detroit Pistons. We're looking into whether or not they've been rigging games. But in the meantime, we improved the team by picking up some good point guards in free agency. We desperately needed a new ball-handler with a lot of speed and were fortunate enough to pick up multiple players on vet minimum contracts.

I know what you're thinking: What are their plans and expectations for next seasons? Well, I'll now be taking those questions, as well as others!

The Jazz have division opponents on both coasts, are you concerned about the carbon footprint the Jazz are going to be leaving to travel and play these games?

Speaking of point guards one of the best in the game, He Hor is available now from the Phoenix Suns. Any truth to the rumor that Salt Lake City might be Hor's House?

Sham Smith, Bulls.com: The Utah Jazz have not paid their tax from last season, and they're looking at another repeater tax year. Do you have the skills to pay the bills? Or any plan whatsoever to keep this team financially viable?

Random Reporter: With the Pistons now out of the way, who (or what) do you consider to be the biggest obstacle keeping you from the Finals? The Bucks? Refs? Gas prices?

Well? How did it feel holding your presser in your living room? Was it fun?

Will you be looking to move any of your vet min PGs for points to pay your bills, sir?

Chet Youbetcha, Dimmadome News: Thanks for inviting us to your house for this. And I can see the message your trying to send - but did you purchase these Salvador Dali originals during your trip to the museum in St. Petersburg while there for an AEW event?


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Who do you think will be your biggest competition in the Juicy James division

Do you have some big moves coming down the road to set up your team for future success or are you looking got further in with your current roster?

K-100 wrote: Sun Sep 11, 2022 4:29 pm The Jazz have division opponents on both coasts, are you concerned about the carbon footprint the Jazz are going to be leaving to travel and play these games?

Speaking of point guards one of the best in the game, He Hor is available now from the Phoenix Suns. Any truth to the rumor that Salt Lake City might be Hor's House?

We are absolutely concerned about our carbon footprint. We take great pride in the resources we invest in to protect the environment. This is exactly why we chose to travel by horse & buggy this season.

Unfortunately, I doubt he will land here, as it would come at an incredible cost—but who knows, anything can happen!

garbageman wrote: Sun Sep 11, 2022 4:36 pm Sham Smith, Bulls.com: The Utah Jazz have not paid their tax from last season, and they're looking at another repeater tax year. Do you have the skills to pay the bills? Or any plan whatsoever to keep this team financially viable?

I've been in this situation once before and can you tell from experience that I have absolutely no clue what the hell I'm going to do. But, I'll do something. I always end up doing something.

Xist2Inspire wrote: Sun Sep 11, 2022 4:40 pm Random Reporter: With the Pistons now out of the way, who (or what) do you consider to be the biggest obstacle keeping you from the Finals? The Bucks? Refs? Gas prices?

I do not believe the Pistons are out of the way—at least not yet. We've hired investigators to look into possible rigging and wrongdoing during the season and post-season; and this dates back several seasons. Think Houston Astros but much, much bigger.

I think the biggest obstacle we face this season is the San Antonio Spurs. They've embodied the spirit of basketball since the days of Gregg Popovich, and that tradition continues to this day. They dominated last season with an incredible record of 68-14, which is 82.9% of the games they played. Just let that sink in: 82.9%. That's 83% if you round up, which you do because that's what you do in math. Winning 83% of your games is a pretty big deal if you ask me, and if that's not intimidating then I don't know what is.

greepleairport wrote: Sun Sep 11, 2022 7:09 pm Well? How did it feel holding your presser in your living room? Was it fun?

Will you be looking to move any of your vet min PGs for points to pay your bills, sir?

Oh yeah, this living room jawn is great, we should do this more often. But to answer your question, yes, we are very much interested in moving one of our many PGs, all of whom are in rehab for the time being.

AngryBanana wrote: Mon Sep 12, 2022 6:58 am Chet Youbetcha, Dimmadome News: Thanks for inviting us to your house for this. And I can see the message your trying to send - but did you purchase these Salvador Dali originals during your trip to the museum in St. Petersburg while there for an AEW event?

I am so happy you asked that question. It wasn't until shortly after we landed in St. Petersburg that we ran into an alcoholic vagrant begging for soiled briefs. He told us that in exchange for our shitty underwear, he would lead us to an alleyway where we could purchase rare pieces of artwork for a discount price—usually a pint of vodka [in American measurements]. I disrobed and handed him my diarrhea-soaked underwear and then together, we pranced our way to the alleyway, where a community of patients suffering from restless leg syndrome were staying. There were neither seats nor beds, and so we stood in line for an hour before buying a Dali for some Vladimir vodka. It was definitely worth it!

The AEW event was fantastic, I'm so happy that you brought that up because my wife's been acting up again, saying this and that about the marriage and how the kids are developing AIDS rapidly and it's just been too much, you know? Too much. Every now and then I find peace and quiet in the serenity that is my backyard, where I watch the wildfires consume the screaming gardeners we're paying under the table.

IamQuailman wrote: Mon Sep 12, 2022 2:12 pm Do you have some big moves coming down the road to set up your team for future success or are you looking got further in with your current roster?

Right now, we're taking every option into consideration, whether it's relocating the team to Tijuana, Mexico or unloading massive contracts in exchange for a Louisville Slugger signed by Jimmie Foxx, one of the greatest sluggers to wear a Philadelphia Athletics uniform. In 1932, he blasted 58 home runs and brought in 169 runners whilst boasting an enormous .364 batting average. Hell, he even stole 3 bases! After 20 years of brilliant baseball, he retired in a Phillies uniform. He would later go on to open a business in the city, but ultimately succumbed by choking to death at the age of 59.

Sources: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jimmie_Foxx, https://www.baseball-reference.com/play ... ji01.shtml

digiskunk wrote: Mon Sep 12, 2022 3:43 pm

IamQuailman wrote: Mon Sep 12, 2022 2:12 pm Do you have some big moves coming down the road to set up your team for future success or are you looking got further in with your current roster?

Right now, we're taking every option into consideration, whether it's relocating the team to Tijuana, Mexico or unloading massive contracts in exchange for a Louisville Slugger signed by Jimmie Foxx, one of the greatest sluggers to wear a Philadelphia Athletics uniform. In 1932, he blasted 58 home runs and brought in 169 runners whilst boasting an enormous .364 batting average. Hell, he even stole 3 bases! He retired in 1945 after 20 years of brilliant baseball. He would later go on to open his own business in the city of Philadelphia, where he retired wearing a Phillies uniform.

I thought you said Jamie Foxx and was wondering when he played baseball