#SLOE: People's Basketball Sim League

As the new season rapidly approached, digiskunk felt more confident than ever before. Despite having another lackluster season, digi made several bold transactions aimed at improving the team immediately. And now that the season was upon us, he was prepared to discuss his plans heading forward. Unlike prior press conferences, which were scheduled and prepared for, digi instead opted to host a Zoom call because he couldn't be bothered to leave the couch.

digiskunk: Welcome, everybody, and thank you for joining me today. I'm sure y'all have a lot of questions and I'm prepared to answer them as quickly as humanly possible. I really need these points, so let's get this thing going.

Last year was beyond disappointing. I had high hopes that my players would show some fight—that they wouldn't be treated like welcome mats—but once again, they proved me wrong. Time and time again, they made mistakes that lead to games being lost or limbs being bruised. I grew sick and tired of their incompetence and so I decided to clean house: Any player who proved themselves to be unworthy of the low standards of the Utah Jazz were either traded, released after the season, or imprisoned in my basement for an unspecified period of time (see: Vance Cope).

I wasn't playing any games. No, not this time. Now that I had money, I was going to use it—for better or for worse.

Once, DeJuan Baker forgot to flush the toilet. Almost as soon as the Milwaukee Bucks offered to trade a superstar for him, I accepted. Not only did we rid ourselves of a locker-room plague, but we also received a bonafide superstar. Unreal.

We also received an offer for Terrance Lewis-Weeks, which we quickly accepted as it landed us an additional superstar: Talen Horton-Tucker, the surprisingly handsome PF/SF who, unlike Terrance Lewis-Weeks, doesn't shoplift at Walmart.

During the offseason, we re-signed Mike Weiner (good last name) and Brooks Jackson. We also made some key signings during unrestricted free agency, bringing in key players such as John Blakemore (who declined a $20m/year offer from me last season) and Daron Kelsey, a strong backup center whose abilities are limited by his mental defects. It's also worth noting that we drafted Michael Moore, which I find hilarious.

I will now answer questions from the journalists in attendance!

Sham Smith, Bulls.com: With Michael Moore on your team, what do you think are the three biggest injustices plaguing PBSL today?

garbageman wrote: Fri May 20, 2022 3:10 pm Sham Smith, Bulls.com: With Michael Moore on your team, what do you think are the three biggest injustices plaguing PBSL today?

This is an excellent question, thank you! I'm going to hand the mic over to Michael for a moment so he can better explain his belief system.

Michael Moore: Ahem. Is this thing on? Oh, okay. First I want to thank the GM, digiskunk, for the opportunity to play for the Utah Jazz. I've always dreamt of playing for a team whose outlook is comparable to my own: Sometimes you need to shake things up to get peoples' attention.

Now, I will outline all the problems that I have with this league.

1: The integrity of the game is being compromised from within. Shareholders are pressuring referees to "fix games" by missing calls in an attempt to increase the entertainment value, which ultimately results in higher ratings and, consequentially, increased profit for those at the top. Inside job? Yes.

2: Killian Hayes is not the superstar you think he is. I subscribe to the belief that he uses a pump (located in a bag fifteen centimeters behind the bench, facing to the West) to deflate basketballs. He uses code to communicate with the referees to ensure he and only he benefits from these balls. Referees will circulate balls as the game goes on, but Killian will always handle the de-pumped ball.

3: The 3pt line has been shortened by 10cm to inflate offensive numbers.

4: The last few seasons of the Utah Jazz have been a controlled demolition, possibly orchestrated by the U.S. government to distract from search efforts on Oak Island.

I haven't reviewed other pressers to see if you asked questions over there, but I cannot fault you for only having one question asked on your presser. And it was a good answer at that.