Utah Jazz S54 Press Conference
Posted: Sun Sep 19, 2021 1:49 pm
With the new season right around the corner, digiskunk had no choice but to hold an impromptu press conference. Ever since his arrival, he had been fairly distant with the media and fans, preferring instead to metal detect outside the Vivent Arena in hopes of finding the loose change that would lift his team out of debt. But that was about to change.
With a single tweet, digiskunk lured hundreds of baffled journalists to his humble mansion in Salt Lake City to discuss the upcoming season and his recent accomplishments in famed footie game Football Manager.
digiskunk: Welcome, fans and family alike, to my official press conference for the upcoming season. It's been a long, long time since I've had one of these and I must admit, I've missed it. These press conferences were always a great opportunity to post something completely irrelevant to the focus of the post, such as a .gif of the "Macho Man" Randy Savage or the official music video for Dr. Dre "Still D.R.E", which continues to bang on to this day. But I digress.
Because of my sudden arrival, I've had limited time to familiarize myself with the team—not to mention the nature of the rest of the league. But I acted swiftly, and by swiftly I mean that I did absolutely nothing: for that was the plan.
I found the Utah Jazz in a dire state; not only were they tax delinquents, they were also talentless. The team apparently lost their identity as the greatest team to ever play the game of basketball. And that fact alone inspired me to step in to turn things around. My first action as manager was to do absolutely nothing: The team didn't really have much to offer in terms of talent and I wasn't in a financial situation that would allow me to make moves. Bound by debt, I grinded my gears.
But let's talk about the current team. Right now, we have a squad of players starving for the opportunity to break out, whether literally or statistically. The only problem is that our best players all play the same positions or occupy the same areas of the court; and as a result, f*ck things up. We have some decent contributors but the honest truth of the matter is that only a few of these players actually have the talent to play in this league.
Not everything is bleak, however: We have a future superstar in Charles Alleman, a strong defensive big-man with a passion for paleoanthropology. He has the potential to be a future All-Star in this league and I'm prepared to nuture him as a son. In many ways, he reminds me of Jimmie Foxx, the Hall of Fame baseball player who's best known for his time who died by choking on food a year after his wife died the same way. I'm dead serious—here's some info per Wikipedia: "Foxx died in 1967 at age 59 in Miami, Florida. He became ill while eating dinner with his brother and was taken to a hospital, where resuscitative efforts failed. An autopsy showed that Foxx had choked on a piece of food. The year before, Foxx's second wife, Dorothy, had also died of choking." Isn't that amazing? Seriously, what are the chances?
But here's a glimpse of my scouting reports:
- Tommie Hawk is an abomination of a basketball player who deserves to be forcibly euthanized by his closest family members.
- Kim Lewis reminds me of Joseph Kight, my first homegrown superstar.
- Immanuel Quickley lives up to his name with his 92 Quickness. At 6'5", that's great.
- Vance Cope is better than his numbers suggest.
- We need to bring Grayson Allen to the team.
During the offseason, I signed a bunch of players on vet min contracts. That's pretty much all I have to say about that.
We had a great training camp, with many players improving—including Charles Alleman! Kim Lewis and Ethan Bledsoe both survived and look hungry for vengeance this upcoming season.
I'll now take questions from the press!
