S53 Lakers Preseason Presser: An Existential C(ampbell)risis

[greepleairport]

Greeple drags his feet to the podium. He looks out into the crowd of reporters through barely open and bloodshot eyes. He takes a deep breath and begins...to walk back out before his assistant shuffles him back to the podium against his will.

“I can’t do this anymore-”

A gaggle of giggles is heard off stage and someone starts yelling at Greeple to come here. Greeple seems unfazed and ready to continue, but

“Greeps! Greepie! Come here Greepy baby, come ski with us!”

Without visual confirmation, it cannot be certain, but the voice is believed to be that of none other than LA’s newest acquisition, Danny Campbell. Greeple looks off stage, back to the audience, then leaves the stage for untold amounts of time. Chet Youbetcha and Sham Smith begin wondering if that is it- if that is the press conference. If that is the end of Greeple. If that is the end of this era of the LA Lakers. If any of it means anything at all.

Greeple reemerges from the gaggle of giggles, giggling himself, reinvigorated as if he had just hit the slopes from the highest Alps.

“Ya know, I don’t know what day it is, but it’s a beautiful day. A beautiful day that, in the grand scheme of things may mean absolutely nothing at all. What made sense yesterday means nothing at all today, so you know what? I’m here to have a good fracking time as long as I’m here, and you’re gonna ask me some questions, and I’m going to answer them pretending like the answers to your questions mean anything at all!”

“Dude, what are you even saying?” a presumably Danny Campbell-esque voice laughed from unseen quarters.

“I have coached these Lakers from nothing into something. I have bled for Los Angeles and I will keep bleeding until Los Angeles hands me a tourniquet, but if they never do I will never feel less alive until I stop. So-”

“..so what’s your starting lineup?” Justin Bieber asked, wearing a Brandon Boston Jr. Cavs jersey.

“What a beautiful question, Justin! But I believe it to be self-evident, no? I mean, what is a starting lineup without Jame, Danny, Burt, Alex and… hhaha… and… Danny-”

Greeple leaves the podium again, but not as long this time. Danny Campbell emerges, hands something to Greeple who then walks off stage, and then walks up to the podium.

“Justin Bieber, holy cow! Only in LA. Man, where has this been all my life? Am I even really this alive?”

“You actually died in TC, Danny,” Sham Smith calls out to Campbell. “Do you have any comment on that?”

“Do you have any comment on that, sir?” Danny retorted. Sham Smith sat silent. Greeple returned.

“Ladies and gentlemen, meet the Lakers’ newest star acquisition, Danny Campbell. Sure he might not be the man he used to be, but who is? I’m not the coach I used to be, and Random Reporter… where’s Random Reporter?”

“Hey Greeple, over here,” Random Reporter called out.

“Random Reporter, you’re less random than ever. See, I don’t want to say that we’re living in the Matrix or anything like that, but do you know why we are here today? We’re here-”

“Greeple you miss-” Danny leaned away from the mic, pulling Greeple with him, brushing at his nose as if to indicate that Greeple had missed something and Greeple replicated Danny’s motion until Danny gave Greeple a thumbs up.

“We went all in, ladies and gentlemen. Alex Caruso and Danny Campbell are the future of LA. Alex knows it, and Danny is learning it. And somewhere along the way, perhaps we will all collectively be able to make sense out of anything those words mean said one after the other in the same sentence. Now who has any *sniff* questions?”

[garbageman]

Sham Smith, Bulls.com: Despite TC, the FBB sports network's season preview had you predicted as a division leader. Howany legitimate championship contenders do you see, and where are the Lakers among them?

[JNR]

GWR: It's common after a poor training camp for other players to step up and provide unforeseen help in the season. Besides Caruso and the aforementioned Campbell, who do you see being the most likely person to do that?

[MexicanMamba]

Did you have any other deals come up thus off-season which were really enticing that you chose against? Would you do any of them in hindsight?

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk

[AngryBanana]

Chet Youbetcha, Dimmadome News: two questions now that we have your full attention. 1. How would you rank the Randolph division from top to bottom. 2. With me projecting Waters and Caruso being your starting guards, and both having an 81 and 80 win, are you worried that faster teams will take advantage of this?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[TheSyndicate]

You obviously seem distraught, but I mean, you still have a heckuva window with Caruso and Campbell, are you excited about your future?

[greepleairport]

Sham Smith, Bulls.com: Despite TC, the FBB sports network's season preview had you predicted as a division leader. Howany legitimate championship contenders do you see, and where are the Lakers among them?

It's pretty easy to get down on yourself when your star acquisition parties himself into oblivion. It took me right down with him, but that was yesterday and the season begins today.

We have a great team - let's get that straight, eh? Our weakest link is at PG which was a conscious choice. Having competency run offense is important, yes, but what if we just have someone who does that, nothing else, and saves us a ton of cash while wings came at a premium this FA period? Role players sit in many other spots on teams, and we thought we'd see how that works at PG. Gamez was a role player there only for a while. He's much better now, but he could only handle, pass and play semi-competent defense for his first few years. We're running with that model again this year.

[greepleairport]

GWR: It's common after a poor training camp for other players to step up and provide unforeseen help in the season. Besides Caruso and the aforementioned Campbell, who do you see being the most likely person to do that?

Well, despite the massive hit in TC, I think Campbell will outperform expectations this year and could potentially stay an LA Laker for years to come. I think Caruso will definitely score more this year, but we also can't undervalue the scoring help coming from Burt Gibson this year. He may not fit in to our long term strategy, but will definitely provide help.

Hector is still a stud - I don't care what @Xist2Inspire says - and will be a key in our post game with Danny. The real surprise will likely come from Kenneth Heard who will play limited minutes to start, but increase over time, certainly.

[greepleairport]

Did you have any other deals come up thus off-season which were really enticing that you chose against? Would you do any of them in hindsight?

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk

Well, let it be known to the public that we talked about a JJ deal the never came to pass. I would've liked JJ on this team, certainly. Had I known that I was going to lose Gamez, I would have made a bigger play talking to the Magic about an S&T on Tex Harrison.

Look, I'm going to whine and complain until I get a title, and will probably start whining and complaining shortly after that as well. That goes for any deal I regret not taking or any deal that doesn't bear fruit the way I had hoped.

[greepleairport]

Chet Youbetcha, Dimmadome News: two questions now that we have your full attention. 1. How would you rank the Randolph division from top to bottom. 2. With me projecting Waters and Caruso being your starting guards, and both having an 81 and 80 win, are you worried that faster teams will take advantage of this?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

You had my full attention when you put Makur on your block last year and lost it ever since. Sorry Charlie!

Seriously though, you're my main competition in Randolph. Especially after Raiquan and Tubbs solid TCs. I feel like the Wizards are hanging in the wings, always, and the Nets can present trouble if they want to. The Pelicans seem resigned to a not great year and the Raptors will do better than last year.

[greepleairport]

You obviously seem distraught, but I mean, you still have a heckuva window with Caruso and Campbell, are you excited about your future?

You might recall that, when I lost Mike Burnham to the Sixers in Free Agency, I didn't let it go until I swept them in the playoffs. I will not rest easily about any of my decisions until they net me that gold trophy. Look, yes, DC got creamed hitting the slopes one too many times instead of gearing up for his biggest season in years, also in LA, but he'll bounce back. It's not his first troubling TC, and yet he still hit 100s in three prime categories. While we don't expect his stats to go that high again, he will be a problem in the post for years to come. And Caruso is a stud in the making and definitely the prime outcome of our rebuild thus far. We expected Campbell to be on par with Caruso in netting talent-wealth, but he may just be building back up on the same path as Caruso.

All of which to say, yeah, I'm severely emotional when it comes to sim league, but all it takes is one baller sim and all my bad feelings are gone...until someone gets injured for an entire season. Don't do it Danny. Don't do it Alex. Please. Dont.

[greepleairport]

Sham Smith, Bulls.com: Despite TC, the FBB sports network's season preview had you predicted as a division leader. Howany legitimate championship contenders do you see, and where are the Lakers among them?

Directly answering your question, I see the Alpha conference holding the power this year, and I'm imagining a shake out between the Magic, Spurs and possibly Delmar is in the making. Over here, the Clips are still a threat and one cannot count out the team of Makur and Zaire, so.... where do we fit? Somewhere in the middle of them, no particular order.

[greepleairport]

Chet Youbetcha, Dimmadome News: two questions now that we have your full attention. 1. How would you rank the Randolph division from top to bottom. 2. With me projecting Waters and Caruso being your starting guards, and both having an 81 and 80 win, are you worried that faster teams will take advantage of this?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

And to your second question, I'm not worried about faster teams. They're out there. We've never been terrifically fast, and we have been steep competition for a long time. We intend to be that kind of competition again, no matter the back court situation.