Rumors are quickly beginning to circulate that some of the new users demanding their expansion teams may not, in fact, be human. Sources close to the Commissioner suggest that these new users may in fact be blood-drinking, flesh-eating, shape-shifting extraterrestrial reptilian humanoids hellbent on disrupting the natural flow of SLOE. More news to follow.
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Sources close to the Commissioner have noticed that Trae Young and his crew have been frequenting numerous glory holes within his respective city. The Commissioner would shun such practices, however, until further evidence is presented, he's going to be under continued surveillance.
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To follow up the previous allegation ... the Commissioner has now been alerted to the actions of one Keith Pfeffer. Keith was allegedly seen snorting massive amounts of 2,5-Dimethoxy-4-iodophenethylamine, otherwise known on the streets as 2C-I, a psychedelic phenethylamine of the 2C family, which was first synthesized by one Alexander "Sasha" Shulgin. The Commissioner shuns such actions, stating that there is no room for drugs in this league. Nevertheless, investigations will continue.
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Upon winning the Finals, sources close to the Denver Nuggets are suggesting that Jeffrey Duren may have been frequenting numerous strip clubs within the city and offering lucrative amounts of money to women for "handjobs", "blowjobs", and "loosey loos"—whatever that means. The Commissioner is currently keeping close tabs on the star.
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The Philadelphia 76ers, who are still without a general manager, remain the focal point of many within the league. With a roster stacked full of talent, many are eager to cash in on their players whilst he's gone. During his absence, cameras caught up with Scott at the local gym, who was lifting weights. Upon each rep, he was quoted as saying, "oh f*ck that Doug guy" as well as "oh goddamnit I think I shit my pants." Numerous teams are keeping close tabs on this particular team, as their former GM seems more focused on improving his calves than he is the core of his former team.
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Washington's GM xist2inspire was recently seen at the McDonald's drive-thru, ordering a single cheeseburger—despite the fact that the double cheeseburger costs a mere .69 cents more. Many are questioning his frugality during this process and are curious if his frugality will continue throughout the offseason.
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Orlando Magic, who were previously the #2 seed in the playoffs, are in dire straights: Josh Jackson and Boban Marjanovic were both seen stalking women outside of their respective apartments in the Orlando area. These women both reported these cases and both individuals are being thoroughly examined and investigated. If convicted, that would leave the Magic without two of their prime stars.
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Sources close to the Jazz suggest that GM Digiskunk has absolutely no damn clue what he's doing. He's been working on this rebuild for years, leaving many to wonder if he truly has any interest in this league anymore. Nevertheless, those closest to him have reassured us that his plans will culminate soon—but how soon, exactly? More news at 9.
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Former superstar Kevin Durant has been quoted as saying, "Bryce Dejean-Jones is the closest thing I've ever seen to a complete player outside of myself. He reminds me of Russell Westbrook." The former superstar would later suggest that "[Dejean-Jones] is the kind of guy that you'd take out on the town, and he'd end up fingering your girl in the movie theater, only to leave you jacking off in a dark corner ... Trust me, I've been there plenty of times." The former MVP would later go on to propose the notion that the Los Angeles Lakers are the biggest "laughing stock" of the league, adding: "If there was any one GM that I'd want the Son of Sam to shoot and kill, it would be the general manager of the Los Angeles Lakers."
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Chicago Bulls GM Josh has been seen perusing the local Chicago food scene, à la Anthony Bourdain. Already well-familiarized with what they have to offer, he had yet to try Chicago's "deep dish pizza" until rather recently. Upon his first bite, he proclaimed, "wow, now that's a great pizza pie" before basking in another bite. He took his time during his meal, enjoying each bite until the pie was completed roughly 45 minutes after he had started. One can only wonder if this has anything to do with his offseason moves, but most experts agree that this is literally a retarded notion.
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Kings superstar Erik Haynes was recently spotted outside of an anti-Trump rally, continuing the crusade that his mother had originally started. Sporting signs that read "Dump Trump" and "I'd rather eat out my own ass than vote for Donald," he seemed adament in his own political endeavors. His mother must be proud.
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Bucks GM Doug was recently spotted shopping at Hollister, leading many to question whether or not he has any ties to Jeffrey Epstein, as Hollister is primarily a teenager-oriented store.
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Warriors GM C-Prej is beyond himself as he struggles to come to terms with how the league is currently being operated, sources say. He's been attempting to come to terms with the new rules by ejaculating at a rate faster than the speed of light, often shooting loads into the sun faster than a bat out of hell. Some say that these loads have already landed, whilst others propose that they're still in orbit and on their way. Nevertheless, he's still going strong, with a stiffy harder than a brick.
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After receiving the news that he was claimed off waivers by the Utah Jazz, Damion McNary was elated. "This is just another blessing from the Lord, my savior," he was quoted as saying before kneeling before a cross and praying. "I promised myself that I'd give it my all—not only on the basketball court, but in the House of Worship as well. I can't wait to get out there and make buckets off the bench, like most washed up players my age. The only difference is, is that I have the Lord, Jesus Christ, on my side. And with the Lord on your side, anything is achievable—just look at what they did with milk cartons." Simply amazing.
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Joshua Swan was not happy to be claimed off waivers by the New Orleans Pelicans, sources say. And the reason why? "The f*cking GM is a Yankees fan," Swan was quoted as saying at a local Los Angeles dance club. "How f*cked is that? Seriously? You root for the team with the highest payroll in all of baseball. Cool. You're a real fighter, huh. You don't know what it's like to come up from nothing and build something special. Nah, I don't think so. F*ck the Yankees, but most importantly, f*ck Nick Malone." Joshua Swan then ended his tirade by throwing haymakers into the jaws of club bouncers, who promptly stomped on his testicles in the men's restroom before throwing him out of the club.
More news on this incident will be posted as it comes in.
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An update on the Joshua Swan situation: Shortly after being beaten and thrown out of the club, Swan drunkenly staggered toward a local lake, where he vomited into the water, sources say. "You see that? You see that puke? That's how I feel about the New York F*CKING YANKEES," he was quoted as saying by Dick Pounder, a local beat reporter for the Los Angeles Gazette. After unloading his dinner of fried chicken tenders into the lake, he wandered down an alleyway where he picked a fight with a homeless man, taunting him: "You think you're better than me? You think you got what it takes? You don't. Why don't you go and sign a lucrative contract with the NEW YORK F*CKING YANKEES YOU DEGENERATE," he was quoted as saying. With middle fingers glaring, he then collapsed into a neighboring wall, where he passed out in a puddle of his own vomit. More news at 9.
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More updates on Joshua Swan: Swan is now allegedly back on his feet and approaching the next local bar, which happens to be a Los Angeles Dodgers hotspot. This will surely end well—not.
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Joshua Swan entered the bar and immediately approached the jukebox, where he played "It's My Life" by Bon Jovi, sources say. "This is my theme song till the day I die," Swan was reported as saying. After ordering a round of drinks for the locals at the bar, Joshua Swan stood upon his barstool and proclaimed, "I ain't no Yankee boy, I'll tell ya that. That team is so stupid they traded Jay Buhner, who had 30 homeruns and over 100 RBIs with a rocket for an arm, for Ken Phelps. I can't help but feel as if this general manager, Nick 'The Dick' Malone, is going to follow in those footsteps. Jesus Christ..."
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According to sources, GM Nick Malone is delighted with this story, suggesting that this "may be the spark the team needs." Upon reading this tweet, Joshua Swan proclaimed, "Oh I'll show you a spark" and then brought up 9/11 conspiracy videos on his iPhone. This man knows no limits!
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Joshua Swan is now bouncing around the bar, drink in hand (Jack & Coke for all those paying attention), proclaiming, "I may be a Pelican, but at least I ain't no damned Yankee bastard." Sources close to Swan—namely his bodyguards and numerous mistresses—suggest that this is just an 'off' night for him. They suggest he should be thinking more clearly by the morning. But still, the rampage continues.
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Joshua Swan is now officially drunk beyond sensible reason, sources claim. He is continuously playing "New York, New York" by Frank Sinatra whilst crying into the palms of his hands. He simply cannot get over the fact that his new GM is a Yankees fan.
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Upon hearing that the Pelicans plan on "harnessing his wild energy", Joshua Swan proclaimed, 'This one is for all those who gave their lives on the frontlines of Tijuana" before downing a shot of Patron and promptly passing out at the bar, sources close to the player say. As of this moment, Joshua Swan is unconscious.
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Sources inside league front office has confirmed what's been rumored: Romeo Langford currently has three max offers he is tabling.
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Hearing that recommendations from the front offices of the two teams without GMs are both planning on targeting win-now players on short term contracts.
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Sources from Sacramento office confirmed general manager NOLa. has made a spite bid to Jeffrey Duren, a 4 year minimum deal with team option.