NOLA Pels Weekend Update

[NickMalone77]

In a well lit studio setting, infront of a live studio audience, Michael Che, and Colin Jost, shuffle some papers and listen to the roar of the crowd. The lights shine down on the set and the crowd hushes once the red light starts recording.



Colin Jost: In our top headline, "Pierre" the Pelican was honored before the start of the regular season for his community service across the New Orleans community. When we attempted to get a comment from the mascot, he was stoic, reserved, and just nodded his beak and shook his tail feather, scaring every child in sight.



Colin Jost: Truly the stuff that nightmares are made of. That and King Cake Baby.



Michael Che: In an independent poll, an overwhelming majority chose to see a new Kevin Hart movie over revisiting the Pelicans disappointing sweep at the hands of the Houston Rockets during this past post season by a 90-10% margin. Word has it that Al Horford had the option to star in Kevin Hart's next movie and turned it down to play for the Rockets for his 37th season in a row. True dedication right there.



Colin Jost: Thanks to the Presidents new tax plan, the Pelicans were able to restructure the financial budget and adjust the roster during the draft. First, they drafted a versatile baseball player, Manny Machado, that could do a little bit of everything after making a trade with the Boston Celtics to move up 5 spots. Then in another move to free up cap space, called up the Minnesota Timberwolves and sent Colin Sexton up to for a European Center that was so enamored with Minnesota and the land of a 1,000 lakes, he changed his last name to a symbol like his musical idol, Prince. When Machado figured out there was no pro baseball team in New Orleans, they sent him to Chicago. No word if Machado will be sporting white sox while living on the north side of the city. A social taboo.



Michael Che: Among the Pelican brain-trust, the front office crafted the existing roster of Damion McNary, Ekbert Winkler, and Aaron Pastor, around a blend of veteran talent and the youthful vigor of Glenn Irvine. Irvine's unique skill set appealed to the Pelicans after Utah flashed a league wide message (via carrier pigeon) that they were willing to deal some of their younger prospects. No word yet if that pigeon made it east of the Mississippi river. Now with a breakdown of the Pels first two weeks of the regular season, lets bring in special correspondent, Pete Davidson.



Pete Davidson: Thanks Michael. So after a so-so preseason, the Pels had a later than usual start to the regular season and only played just 4 games. Great news, they won 3 out of 4. And swept the Chicago Bulls for the rest of the regular season. Badddddddd news, Ekbert Winkler, practically ended up in a Portland ICU after all the marijuana smoke combined gave him the worst concussion in maybe PBSL SLOE history.

Michael Che: That doesn't sound too promising, Pete.

Pete Davidson: It's so depressing, I think it convinced me I made a mistake ever breaking up with Arianna Grande.

Colin Jost: At least the Pels have their first round pick right?

Pete Davidson: What's a first round pick, Colin?

Awkward silence.

Pete Davidson: Remember Paul George? Remember when he was good? Well, me either.

Michael Che: There's gotta be some positives here, right?

Pete Davidson: The West could be awful again so maybe the Pels will be a playoff team again. Damion McNary, is still the man, just watch out for old man Horford and his 0 quickness.



Colin Jost: Thanks for the special report, Pete! For Michael Che, I'm Colin Jost. This has been your Pels Weekend Update on the SLOE Network.

[garbageman]

Sham Smith, Bulls.com: Without your first round pick next year, do you feel pressure to compete despite the Eckbert Winkler injury, or is there any talk of trying to sell and get some future pieces around Glenn Irvine?

[NickMalone77]

Sham Smith, Bulls.com: Without your first round pick next year, do you feel pressure to compete despite the Eckbert Winkler injury, or is there any talk of trying to sell and get some future pieces around Glenn Irvine?

Without the first, the need to compete is of the utmost importance. We know the Bucks are probably sending out a hit squad to jump on Damion McNary, when we head up to Milwaukee later in the week since they hold our first round pick in the next draft. We'll look at addressing the hole ow at the 5 and maybe a long term answer at the 1. See what fits and works around day 60. The phones are always working and charged.

[78#]

How disappointing was it seeing Eckbert Winkler struggle in last year's playoffs against an aging center like Horford? And now it has compounded with his injury. Do you feel he can ever rebound from the disappoint and injury?

[NickMalone77]

How disappointing was it seeing Eckbert Winkler struggle in last year's playoffs against an aging center like Horford? And now it has compounded with his injury. Do you feel he can ever rebound from the disappoint and injury?

We feel that he’ll be able to rebound from both quite well. It’ll take some time and a lot of therapy but we are confident he will be ok. On the Horford thing, we’ve put a voodoo curse on Horford and the Houston Rockets. With a blessing from The Based God, the Rockets will be cursed till Horford retires.

[TheSyndicate]

First of all, I love the format keep it up!

Second of all: now that Winkler is on the shelf for the forseeable future - how does that impact your overall strategy?

[NickMalone77]

First of all, I love the format keep it up!

Second of all: now that Winkler is on the shelf for the forseeable future - how does that impact your overall strategy?

Thanks! When you sit in a studio for 8 hours a day, you have a lot of time pass by for ideas to pass and why not change it up every now and again?

Secondly, I think it does to a degree. Ekbert gave us a post presence and identity along with McNary. He put up a tremendous effort on the boards each night and helped out when teams would double McNary. Now that he's out of the picture, we're going to experiment with some different lineups and see what sticks until a solution can be met. I think our team now is skilled in a way that it can attack with speed and skilled shooters. We'll probably have the smallest starting lineup most nights but we feel confident that we can adjust with the waves and ride it out.

[drkavarga]

I have a super important question. Going by the theme of your press conference, do you feel that SNL is better now or in the past when it was actually funny?

[NickMalone77]

I have a super important question. Going by the theme of your press conference, do you feel that SNL is better now or in the past when it was actually funny?

I think there's bits and stuff you could grab and appreciate from any version of a timeless show like SNL. Weekend Update just happens to be one of those segments people enjoy and can still find a few laughs at. Michael Che and Colin Jost I think could be slotted in any generation of the show and still work out extremely well. Whether it's funny or not is subjective.