From the desk of Garfield B. Ageman, Esq
My dearest PBSL,
At the dawn of a new season sunlight stretches its hopeful fingers to animate every flower, to wake life itself from its wintry slumber, and here we find ourselves again, awake where we, somniferous, fell.
O' young James! We have chosen you, but nary a uniform you will see until 2024, mayhaps, whence your current rating bears the vibrant yellow of a ripened banana. For the season nigh, you are but a squire and must fill thineself with the tutelage of men, big and wise.
Through RFA we waited, jaws agape at the ransoms so carelessly tost as if the weight of coin was that of a feather. Mere one-way players aswim in maximum bounties, awarded treasures which mere fan can only approximate in the foolish exercise of imagination. Jaylen Brown's PER last year was 17.3, and he can't play defense. May those who wanton waste their coin suffer through the perils of tax season, when the miserly hands of King Scott and his accountants ascend on down from high to stuff their pockets fat.
O' sweet Russell, whose loyalty never falters, even at a lower contract, even on the trade block for the Bulls. We have hoisted the hardware for your labors. O' old James, you have returned to the kingdom from which you were drafted, and we will try to play you at Small Forward. O' Kenneth, whom they call Manimal, will you grab more boards? Who will back you up when you foul? Byron Odell, you say? Tall and slender and adept at free throws. We shan't underutilize you as the rubes in Dallas have.
And o' determined Leroy. You, who only misses 100% of the shots you don't take, so you take as many as you can. You have steeled yourself to become better, and your hard work and dedication will be rewarded. Not with a starting spot, nay, unless we can find a proper suiter for Russell Westbrook, but with more minutes off of the bench and a good feeling about your RFA contract in two years. May it not taint you with unhappiness that loyal Russell will still hoist seniority and leadership over you for at least one more year. If it is any consolation, we will key you.
It looks to be another long and brutal year for us. We will have to scratch and claw to make the playoffs. And once there, we will likely be massive underdogs. But under this dog, fierce balls dangle...balls full of spirit and energy and all of the virtues espoused by briefly popular Big Dog Brand T-shirts and probably dog Jazz for all of you literalists out there.
For now, I await your response before the season so that I may answer your queries before we wage into battle.
Yours,
Garfield B. Ageman
