Way too long I've tried to be what I could never be
For too long you've rolled the dice but you can't control me
I ain't talking 'bout romance, you may fiddle I may dance
Anyway it's just a game we play.
-- Edguy, Superheroes
Owner: I just love that you had to come to a post-season press conference in the middle of the season. Next time, I'll put you in maid outfits and hold it on a glacier.
We're here because I've decided to openly declare our offseason plans, and dipshit over here thinks it's a decent idea. He'll tell you more in a second. Before he talks, I have a couple of things to say. First, we're likely going to fall short of our goal in terms of record, but we had a major injury. Factoring that in, we're keeping Couch Mouthbreather.
Coach: Keep on scorin' in that hole, boss.
Owner: For Frye's sake . . . . Second, we've thoroughly enjoyed our time here. We set out to accomplish some things internally, and we basically did that. We're very much looking forward to causing far more shit than we have so far. Pencildick, you.
GM: Thank you all for coming under such unusual circumstances. We'd like to express first that we are pleased to be in playoff contention, whether we make it in or not. We'd like to express gratitude and well wishes to the other teams, even those we are jockeying with for a playoff berth. It's a wonderful thing we do, and we very much enjoy our part in it.
From the start, we had a timeline and a plan. This is juncture where we actually begin to liquidate our team to start over. When we took over the franchise, we had very little with with to build. So, we created a better position in a pre-rebuild. We learned much in our journey, too. As promised, when we were in a position to rebuild with some authority, and if I may say so, zest, then we would. We feel were are in that position. We have a fringe playoff team that has no room to grow, but that has value. We've learned about team building, coaching, trading. We're ready to really enter the League. Again, according to ownership's timeline.
We're here to openly announce that we are doing to liquidate key assets of our team in the offseason. The League has certain rules against what it terms "tanking," and we will not break those rules, and our open declaration is proof of that. Should the League change their rules, we will do our best to comply with those rules, of course, while we churn through assets that may leave us with . . . interesting . . . rosters.
While we do this, we're not just going to sit around idle. We plan on playing the role of Robin Hood, taking good assets from one team, trading them to another, always with an eye toward weakening the strong, perhaps in a way acceptable to them, while strengthening the weak. You've heard our franchise owner laud chaos, and he sees this as serving that end. We will of course extract a fee in these matters, unless, of course, ownership can be convinced that the "fun factor" is high enough.
In all transactions, we're looking to collect points, first of all. Stockpiling points is key to a sustained title run later.
We'll not be trading our draft picks, but rather collecting picks from other teams, particularly those of teams external to the transaction used to acquire those picks or those from the sending team if they are in future seasons.
Shawn Bradley has been the subject of multiple trade requests, and we'll be liquidating him. Our front court will be weak enough to limit our wins despite our best efforts without him.
Antoine Walker and Allen Iverson will be bid on by us in Free Agency, but we are happy to let them walk, too. We are open to sign-and-trades. Unlike other sabre-rattling GM's, we'll be looking for a fair deal, and we'll execute the first one that meets our strike price. We're not trying to juice the market. Anyone who's worked with us know that we are motivated, capable, and fair. These negotiations will be the same.
Michael Redd can be had for the right price. That right price is a high potential rookie scale player and some picks. That said, we're happy keeping Mr. Redd. He was given up on by other teams, but he's served us well.
Latrell Sprewell is untouchable. He'll be slated to play 48 minutes next season, no matter the lineup. This will not only give us comply with playing our best players significant minutes, but it will also maximize his change of injury and burnout. He's too dangerous a player in the hands of a contender. We're going to neutralize him. When his contract is up, if the job is not done, we'll bid on him again until the "beautiful parts of him are destroyed," as ownership has been fond of saying.
We'll take long term money as appropriate. We'll also be happy to send a contender a short term asset, provided it hits them in the tax.
So, that about does it. Start figuring out your bids. If you don't, someone else will.
No matter what, we'll win the game we're playing. We'll play that game until we decide to strike for the title.
No timetable is being provided.
As a preview of what we intend, we're very interested in clearing enough space to accept Anthony Peeler's contract, some points, and a rookie scale contract in exchange for a minimum salary player to give the Magic a chance to sign some free agents, if they are interested.
Lastly, should we make the playoffs, it's entirely possible that we will bench our tradable assets. "Tanking" in the playoffs seems like it's not a violation of League rules, but ownership is considering finding out.
We'll now open it up for questions.
Take what you desire
Make no mistake
Fire and dark
Fire and dark
Let menaces prevail
Stab in the back
Stab in the back
You will never see his face
Fire and dark one more stab in the back
What a day to kill his grace
-- Edguy, Robin Hood
