Charles Alleman: "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor"
Posted: Sun Sep 26, 2021 12:39 pm
Charles Alleman: "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor"
Long before his conviction for assault & battery, Charles "Blunt-Force Trauma" Alleman had another conviction: that he was going to become the next superstar basketball player. For he and his peers, it was only a matter of time before this unhinged felon became the next Wanderlei Silva. But could he stay out of trouble long enough for the dream to come true?
"Nobody wants to go to prison. Nobody," he would later write in his diary. "Something in me yearns to break free from the confines of this shallow cell, and I won't rest until I'm the PBSL league MVP."
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By 14 years old, Alleman already had a reputation for knocking around the local youth and selling off the expensive goods he acquired during his many robberies. A son of a local car salesman, Alleman had to support his family after his father succumbed to wounds he received at the car dealership.
"It was all too easy. That's actually how I got the nickname 'Blunt-Force Trauma'—because I beat the hell out of my kid's new deadbeat dad during an argument," he recollected. "Nobody hits my kids but me. And so that's why I'm here: Because I love my family."
Alleman's experience in the big house wasn't ideal, to say the least: Almost immediately upon his arrival, he was beaten to a pulp by a radical gang of nutritionists known simply as "The Spanish Zincuisition." But this wasn't his first rodeo in the big house; he knew that these experiences were to be expected. And so, he sought out protection—and he found it in the form of "Squishy" Steve Schitz, a 6'8" former veterinarian who specialized in physical problem-solving. They quickly formed a brotherly bond and within mere weeks, had all the other prisoners catering to their every need, whether it be cigarettes or booty. Together, Alleman and Schitz became known as the Dickhead Duo; and with the entire prison under their thumb, they helped usher in an era of balance and peace. With the unpredictable "Squishy" Steve by his side, he was able to focus on his true goal: to become a superstar basketball player. But by then, parole came knocking. And so did the colleges.
"I've never seen somebody win so many thumb-wars," Purdue scout D.B. Pooper opined at the time. "This is generational talent, a force to be reckoned with. There's no way we can't risk not putting this dangerous convict on a basketball court."
After considering his many collegiate options, Alleman committed himself to Purdue, where he put up impressive numbers in his first and only year. Not one to stay in one place for too long, he opted for the PBSL Draft immediately following his rookie season. The only thing standing in his way was his criminal record, college debt, and gonorrhea, which the Utah Jazz—a top contender to draft him—saw more as a highlight reel than anything else.
After the first two teams passed on him, the Utah Jazz swooped in and snatched him up with the third overall pick. They finally got their man—and Charles Alleman finally found his true calling in life.
"I won't let you down, Coach," he assured digiskunk upon his return as general manager. "I'm going to be the greatest basketball player since Marilyn Manson."
"We'll see about that," digiskunk challenged. "I want you to show me what you got. I want to see you playing like you're fighting for a wallet, like you're strangling your child's new step-father. I want to see you go bezerk."
The atmosphere was so tense you could hear a pin drop. Charles "Blunt-Force Trauma" responded accordingly, injuring five players during practice whilst emasculating three others on the bench. Digiskunk's eyes were alit with joy; he finally found the big man who wasn't afraid to go to prison over a defensive rebound. This was the firepower the Utah Jazz were going to need if they ever wanted to contend for a championship, and everybody knew it.
Everybody but the rest of the league.